I'm not in the mood to write much today.
I just walked 9 fucking miles.
I was bored and had a treadmill.
I watched some DVDS and shit to distract me.
I just watched Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (which was absolute shite) and Children of Men (which is my new favorite movie). A world with no children. Wow. That would be awesome. They make it seem like such a downer, though, what with the terrorists, Jesus freaks, and oppressive government.
And since when is Dylan a girl's name?
I also watched the final episode of Red Vs. Blue. It was a great ending. It's just kind of a shame. I always get sad when internet shows end. Couch Potato Illustrated, Penn Radio, Ze Frank, and now Red Vs. Blue. Ask A Ninja better not go or I'll be ripshit.
But I actually recently found that Couch Potato Illustrated is back. I can't find any of the shows they did from the time they came back till the whole "server crash" thing, so if anyone can point me to them I'd appreciate it.
I also have to put the word out for the Doogtoons Weekly Wrapup podcast. It's one of a very small group of shows that has me laughing my ass off at every episode.
That's all. Tomorrow's Sunday, so I'll be talking about lampreys.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
I Hate Nature, Rednecks, Children, And School Shootings, But I Love The Muppets, Computers, And Bad Action Movies
Time for another day of fun and hypocrites. Blogs are fun and all, and they're a great way to find out what other people are thinking and also to record your thoughts so you can look back on them and see how both you and the world have changed. But if I ever found out that one of my friends had a diary, I'd call him a prissy little faggot and he'd never hear the end of it.
I guess technology can just make anything cool.
Technology pwns. With a lowercase "p."
For the non-1337 among you, that means that it's really cool.
Anyways, back to the title.
These are a few of my most and least favorite things. You already know what I think about children. To recap: Children are useless annoying shitbags who should be subjected to dangerous and immoral scientific research, or at the very least be removed from the general population until they are old enough to be worth anything to society.
Fuck AIDS. Children are the worst sexually transmitted diseases of them all.
I will certainly use this blog to openly state my often strange and offensive views on various parts of our culture (except for Sundays, when I'll discuss some odd and unique animals), and tonight I think I'll talk about school shootings. I'll save the other stuff for another time.
So yeah. School shootings.
You probably think I'm in favor of school shootings, seeing how they cut down on our population of children. However, I'm not. According to a recent study published in the Journal of Stuff I Pulled Out of My Ass, most school shootings happen in high schools and colleges, so they tend to kill the students who are old enough not to automatically piss me off.
If only more kindergarteners brought handguns to school. If only.
Oh sorry, was that intolerant and offensive? FUCK YOU.
And before anyone says "Too soon," I'll say a preemptive FUCK YOU. That Virginia Tech thing was a fucking long time ago.
For once, I take the normal position and say that it's bad to come into a school and kill a bunch of people indiscriminately. Whoop dee doo, Nick's not a total sociopath.
But don't be disappointed! The nut view is right ahead!
Well, I guess before I go any further, I should tell you my political beliefs.
My political beliefs change depending on my mood, company, health, environment, time of day, and whether I'm hungry or not.
Usually, I'm halfway between a Democrat and a Libertarian. I believe strongly in minimal government and personal freedom, but I do believe that some government regulations and services are necessary to furthering our society.
Sometimes when I'm feeling happy and whistful, I'm an anarchist for a little while. My utopia is an anarchy where everyone pitches in and gets involved, eliminating the need for a government. However, pesky reality always ruins my dreams, and I allow practicality to calmly and patiently explain to me that anarchy would invariably end up in a corporate-run totalitarianism full of poverty and disease and that the loss of vital government programs like road systems and the National Guard would leave us without support. Damnit.
Sometimes I can get depressed about the state of the world, when I see a hobo on the street who no one cares about, or a poor women displaced by Hurricane Katrina who can't afford to feed her own family, or hear on the news about some African village that was slaughtered in the senseless genocide, and I become the biggest socialist ever. I give up on the ideals of freedom and come down strongly on the side of justice, and I want a socio-capitalistic economy, where everyone is protected and no one has to live in poverty and we can all just live happy lives. Tax the rich, motherfuckers.
On Monday mornings I hate the world and just want everyone to die. I just wanna phone up bin Laden and give him step-by-step instructions on how to build a nuke. I hate mornings, and Mondays just suck ass.
Speaking of which, my MRI to check out my head is on Monday. If I believed in luck, I'd ask you to wish me it.
"Luck is just probability taken personally." - Some guy. It wasn't Penn Jillette like some people think, it was some guy who he knows. And I'm way to lazy to spend 45 seconds on Google to find the name of the guy who actually said it.
Holy shit, I got really far off the subject there. So, anyways, my libertarian side is the one that kicks in when I think about school shootings, and my solution is an odd one.
MORE GUNS. WE NEED MORE GUNS.
Here's a tidbit to think about: The reason that so many people die in school shootings is because there's only one person in the building with a gun, and it's the person who just went completely fucknutty.
Think about it: If every student had a gun, everyone would be scared shitless to shoot anyone, because they'd know that everyone else in the room would whip out a gun and blow their brains out. It's like the Cold War. The Americans and Soviets were scared out of their nutsacks over the threat of a nuclear war. Neither one dared attack the other, because they knew there'd be a counter-attack and both of them would die.
So you see, if everyone had a weapon, no one would get shot, because there would be immediate consequences.
Then again, there are a lot of people at my school who I wouldn't trust with a gun. Like Jamie Cummings, or Eddie Sheridan, or Eric Kenney (in-joke).
Maybe we should just have more of those rent-a-cops. I'm serious. If we just had three or four of those guys per school, and as long as they were armed, they could easily take out the shooter before he could kill anyone. Or at least before he killed, I dunno, like five or six people. Trust me, it would work. And best of all, it would keep cops off the streets, so they would stop harrassing all the teens who are just minding their own goddamn business. So what is they get stoned every once in a while? They're not hurting anybody.
Hooray for hating cops. I hate to hate them, because honestly, they're here to protect and serve us, and they have a dangerous job and they have to go through some really tough shit. But you know, that doesn't mean that I'm okay with them being total prejudiced douchebags to every kid who wears a Metallica shirt or plays hackysack. They're not all stoners, and even if they were, leave them be. Fuck what you say, there is absolutely nothing wrong with smoking a little pot.
If you're wondering, I don't smoke pot. I might try it someday, but I don't know where to get it.
Shows you how smart I am. I live in suburban Massachusetts, for God's sake. There's marijuana EVERYWHERE and I don't know where to get it.
Oh well. The police aren't usually assholes to me personally, just people I know. It's understandable. I mean, come on. When was the last time you saw a delinquint in a flannel shirt?
So I watched a movie called Idiocracy today while I did my daily four mile walk. It was pretty good. It was about this average guy who got preserved in stasis for five hundred years, and when he woke up, the world was run by idiot rednecks because of the complete dumbing down of American culture and the tendency for stupid people to breed more, so evolution just kind of phased smart people out. So this guy is now the smartest person alive, and has to solve the world's problems. It was pretty funny, because it was sarcastic intellectual comedy, and also because it made fun of rednecks. I hate rednecks. Whenever I listen to Jeff Foxworthy or Bill Engvall, I tend to be laughing at them instead of laughing with them. Not Larry the Cable Guy, though. In case you didn't know, his whole thing is a total act. He's not really a redneck, so I find him funny because he's in on the joke, in a way.
So after my eighty minutes of exercise, I completely blew it by going upstairs and eating a slice of Oreo Cool-Whip pie. As I was eating it, I overheard my parents talk about how China had a booming economy and how their kids had to work so hard in school and that they were one of the top nations in the world, and how Japan was going into a recession and their people weren't educated and how they were declining as a country. I just didn't have the heart to tell them that they were ignorant dumbshits who had it completely back-asswards. Well, I do have the heart to say it, but remember: Just grin and bear it, you can move out in a couple of years. I swear I'm just gonna leave my family behind and not look back. I really can't stand them.
These are the things I think about when I'm bored.
I guess technology can just make anything cool.
Technology pwns. With a lowercase "p."
For the non-1337 among you, that means that it's really cool.
Anyways, back to the title.
These are a few of my most and least favorite things. You already know what I think about children. To recap: Children are useless annoying shitbags who should be subjected to dangerous and immoral scientific research, or at the very least be removed from the general population until they are old enough to be worth anything to society.
Fuck AIDS. Children are the worst sexually transmitted diseases of them all.
I will certainly use this blog to openly state my often strange and offensive views on various parts of our culture (except for Sundays, when I'll discuss some odd and unique animals), and tonight I think I'll talk about school shootings. I'll save the other stuff for another time.
So yeah. School shootings.
You probably think I'm in favor of school shootings, seeing how they cut down on our population of children. However, I'm not. According to a recent study published in the Journal of Stuff I Pulled Out of My Ass, most school shootings happen in high schools and colleges, so they tend to kill the students who are old enough not to automatically piss me off.
If only more kindergarteners brought handguns to school. If only.
Oh sorry, was that intolerant and offensive? FUCK YOU.
And before anyone says "Too soon," I'll say a preemptive FUCK YOU. That Virginia Tech thing was a fucking long time ago.
For once, I take the normal position and say that it's bad to come into a school and kill a bunch of people indiscriminately. Whoop dee doo, Nick's not a total sociopath.
But don't be disappointed! The nut view is right ahead!
Well, I guess before I go any further, I should tell you my political beliefs.
My political beliefs change depending on my mood, company, health, environment, time of day, and whether I'm hungry or not.
Usually, I'm halfway between a Democrat and a Libertarian. I believe strongly in minimal government and personal freedom, but I do believe that some government regulations and services are necessary to furthering our society.
Sometimes when I'm feeling happy and whistful, I'm an anarchist for a little while. My utopia is an anarchy where everyone pitches in and gets involved, eliminating the need for a government. However, pesky reality always ruins my dreams, and I allow practicality to calmly and patiently explain to me that anarchy would invariably end up in a corporate-run totalitarianism full of poverty and disease and that the loss of vital government programs like road systems and the National Guard would leave us without support. Damnit.
Sometimes I can get depressed about the state of the world, when I see a hobo on the street who no one cares about, or a poor women displaced by Hurricane Katrina who can't afford to feed her own family, or hear on the news about some African village that was slaughtered in the senseless genocide, and I become the biggest socialist ever. I give up on the ideals of freedom and come down strongly on the side of justice, and I want a socio-capitalistic economy, where everyone is protected and no one has to live in poverty and we can all just live happy lives. Tax the rich, motherfuckers.
On Monday mornings I hate the world and just want everyone to die. I just wanna phone up bin Laden and give him step-by-step instructions on how to build a nuke. I hate mornings, and Mondays just suck ass.
Speaking of which, my MRI to check out my head is on Monday. If I believed in luck, I'd ask you to wish me it.
"Luck is just probability taken personally." - Some guy. It wasn't Penn Jillette like some people think, it was some guy who he knows. And I'm way to lazy to spend 45 seconds on Google to find the name of the guy who actually said it.
Holy shit, I got really far off the subject there. So, anyways, my libertarian side is the one that kicks in when I think about school shootings, and my solution is an odd one.
MORE GUNS. WE NEED MORE GUNS.
Here's a tidbit to think about: The reason that so many people die in school shootings is because there's only one person in the building with a gun, and it's the person who just went completely fucknutty.
Think about it: If every student had a gun, everyone would be scared shitless to shoot anyone, because they'd know that everyone else in the room would whip out a gun and blow their brains out. It's like the Cold War. The Americans and Soviets were scared out of their nutsacks over the threat of a nuclear war. Neither one dared attack the other, because they knew there'd be a counter-attack and both of them would die.
So you see, if everyone had a weapon, no one would get shot, because there would be immediate consequences.
Then again, there are a lot of people at my school who I wouldn't trust with a gun. Like Jamie Cummings, or Eddie Sheridan, or Eric Kenney (in-joke).
Maybe we should just have more of those rent-a-cops. I'm serious. If we just had three or four of those guys per school, and as long as they were armed, they could easily take out the shooter before he could kill anyone. Or at least before he killed, I dunno, like five or six people. Trust me, it would work. And best of all, it would keep cops off the streets, so they would stop harrassing all the teens who are just minding their own goddamn business. So what is they get stoned every once in a while? They're not hurting anybody.
Hooray for hating cops. I hate to hate them, because honestly, they're here to protect and serve us, and they have a dangerous job and they have to go through some really tough shit. But you know, that doesn't mean that I'm okay with them being total prejudiced douchebags to every kid who wears a Metallica shirt or plays hackysack. They're not all stoners, and even if they were, leave them be. Fuck what you say, there is absolutely nothing wrong with smoking a little pot.
If you're wondering, I don't smoke pot. I might try it someday, but I don't know where to get it.
Shows you how smart I am. I live in suburban Massachusetts, for God's sake. There's marijuana EVERYWHERE and I don't know where to get it.
Oh well. The police aren't usually assholes to me personally, just people I know. It's understandable. I mean, come on. When was the last time you saw a delinquint in a flannel shirt?
So I watched a movie called Idiocracy today while I did my daily four mile walk. It was pretty good. It was about this average guy who got preserved in stasis for five hundred years, and when he woke up, the world was run by idiot rednecks because of the complete dumbing down of American culture and the tendency for stupid people to breed more, so evolution just kind of phased smart people out. So this guy is now the smartest person alive, and has to solve the world's problems. It was pretty funny, because it was sarcastic intellectual comedy, and also because it made fun of rednecks. I hate rednecks. Whenever I listen to Jeff Foxworthy or Bill Engvall, I tend to be laughing at them instead of laughing with them. Not Larry the Cable Guy, though. In case you didn't know, his whole thing is a total act. He's not really a redneck, so I find him funny because he's in on the joke, in a way.
So after my eighty minutes of exercise, I completely blew it by going upstairs and eating a slice of Oreo Cool-Whip pie. As I was eating it, I overheard my parents talk about how China had a booming economy and how their kids had to work so hard in school and that they were one of the top nations in the world, and how Japan was going into a recession and their people weren't educated and how they were declining as a country. I just didn't have the heart to tell them that they were ignorant dumbshits who had it completely back-asswards. Well, I do have the heart to say it, but remember: Just grin and bear it, you can move out in a couple of years. I swear I'm just gonna leave my family behind and not look back. I really can't stand them.
These are the things I think about when I'm bored.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Look What I Found
http://furniturevideos.blogspot.com/
It's a blog... About furniture.
And... Videos of furniture.
And I thought I had a sad life.
It's a blog... About furniture.
And... Videos of furniture.
And I thought I had a sad life.
Happy Birthday, You Little Piece of Shit
My 8 year old sister just had her birthday party today.
A half-dozen 8 year old girls in the house. Guuuuuuuuh. There's no way anyone could put up with them. Not even the most pedo-ish of the pedophiles. They'd just say "I can't stand these gorgeous little hotties" and drive away in their creepy old van.
I have the hypothesis that children under the age of ten are only as smart as most baby orangutans. All they do is scream and break stuff. And I hate them. We should forget lab rats and just test vaccines and shampoos on human children. That way we can both cull the population and get more accurate research data.
So now I have a bunch of annoying little crapbags IN MY OWN HOUSE sitting at MY TABLE in MY KITCHEN using MY PLATES and MY SILVERWARE sitting in MY CHAIRS. For someone as selfish and unsharing as myself, this in itself is enough to drive you nuckin' futs. But in addition to that, they were yelping that annoying-as-hell little girl scream-laugh for no reason other than that there were other girls there. You know the laugh I mean. The high-pitched, piercing, nails-on-a-chalkboard cackle that just grates your soul and makes you want to bash someone's face in with a tube sock full of Duracells. I nearly just yelled at them "SHUT THE HELL UP YOU CRACK-SNACKING BUMBLEFUCKS!!!"
(For more interesting swear words, including cumbubble and soapytitwank, check out Sowerby & Luff and Fluffy TV.)
Also, because I work at my local library, I have to put up with lots of other peoples' kids who I can not punish in any sort of way. Unfortunately, their own parents don't punish them in any sort of way. What the fuck is with people? Your kids are annoying little sacks of shit. Either leave them at home when you have to go out in public, or beat them until they FUCKING BEHAVE. This yuppie bullshit isn't working, parents: YOU HAVE TO HIT YOUR KIDS WHEN THEY DISOBEY YOU. Okay? Use the volleyball approach. Use a stiff hand and just smack it.
I also was at the local "health clinic" (whatever the fuck that means) and this lady came in with the bitchiest kid I'd ever seen. He was screaming and kicking, and I assume he didn't want to go in, because he was yelling "NO MOMMY NO I DON'T WANNA GO IN DA HOSPITAL I WANNA DRIVE PLEASE MOMMY PLEASE NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOO WAAAAAAAA I WANNA DRIVE GIMME DA KEYS WAAAAA MOMMY NO NO NO!!!1!!1!"
He honestly said "I wanna drive." Personally, I don't think this kid should ever be allowed to drive.
So anyways, this idiot mom drags the kid in, and the kicker was, he wasn't screaming because he was scared of the doctor, because the appointment was for HIS SISTER. So this kid, for NO REASON, begins running around and then flops down on the table, tossing People and Good Housekeeping magazines all over the place. Then he started kicking the table and screaming in an attempt to make as much noise as possible. His mom had to drag him into a chair and HOLD HIM DOWN.
Then she said, "If I let you go, will you sit still?"
"No," I thought to myself. "He's gonna run around and throw a tantrum like he was doing right before you had to PHYSICALLY RESTRAIN him. I hate you so much, you idiot mother, I'll give you a nickname: Stupidmom."
"Yes," said the boy, in that little-kid, I'm-a-little-bitch-who-sucks-at-lying whimpery voice.
So Stupidmom let him go. And inevitably, the kid had a meltdown.
They say that you shouldn't stare. Well, you know what? I did more than stare. I gave Stupidmom a dirty look. A very dirty look. A look that said, "Thanks for providing me a good example of why I should never ever spawn my own children."
Thankfully my name was called and I walked into the guy's office. He was a geeky, creepy guy, the kind of guy who, if he went to my school, I would make fun of. He also had that trange beard, you know the one, the kind of beard that says, "I'm either an art student or a huge pervert. Either way I live with my mom." I couldn't help thinking to myself, "Why couldn't I get the friendly professional Asian neurologist the next door over?"
So you're probably wondering why I went to a neurologist. Well, I've had several horrible, painful, debilitating migraines, and I have a family history of aneurysms, including an uncle who died from one. Do the math: 2+2= I'm fucked. Probably. I don't know for sure yet, but I'm gonna have an MRI done soon to see what's up. Fortunately, there are ways to remove an aneurysm, but unfortunately, it means CUTTING A HOLE IN YOUR SKULL AND PUTTING A KNIFE IN YOUR FUCKING BRAIN. AAAAAAAAH. I should mention that brain surgery is my biggest phobia. My brain is my favorite organ of all, and I don't want someone poking around in it with pointy shit. Then again, the threat of dying from a randomly triggered blood clot in my head isn't too great either.
I wonder if a surgical scar from getting an aneurysm removed is one of those scars that can get you pussy. Doubt it. I guess I could just lie and say that I got shot in the head or was attacked by a rabid lamprey or something.
I guess I got off the topic of my sister's birthday. Neurosurgery and rabid lampreys are not relevant to Wizard of Oz themed birthday parties.
Hmm... Lampreys intrigue me. I'll probably have some sort of weekly segment. Obscure Animal of the Week.
Look forward to Sunday, where I will talk exclusively about lampreys. Although, considering how I talked exclusively about my sister's birthday party this time around, the subject may change to something else. Like... kosher.
Did you know that Snapple Iced Tea is kosher? It has the label on it. But that must mean that there's some sort of meat in it. Unless meat isn't the only thing that may or may not be kosher. If you're Jewish and know the rules of kosher, please tell me.
Can Jews eat soy bacon? It's supposed to be pork, but it's not really pork, is it? I guess they could, because they have Hebrew National hot dogs that are imitation pork. Not that I believe that hot dogs are actually made of pork, mind you...
I recently heard on one of my science podcasts (I forget which one) about a guy who was trying to clone meat. Not animals, just the meat. His reasoning was that between the animal's metabolism and all the inedible parts of the animal (bones and such), about 90% of the energy we put into livestock gets lost. So, we could probably do better just growing only the muscles and selling them. Plus, the PETA people would back off because we won't need those slaughterhouses anymore. Anything to get rid of PETA.
My point is, would Jews be allowed to eat cloned pork that was never actually part of a pig? Technically, it wouldn't be from an animal with a cloven hoof. So... there.
Gray areas are fun.
These are the things I think about when I'm bored.
A half-dozen 8 year old girls in the house. Guuuuuuuuh. There's no way anyone could put up with them. Not even the most pedo-ish of the pedophiles. They'd just say "I can't stand these gorgeous little hotties" and drive away in their creepy old van.
I have the hypothesis that children under the age of ten are only as smart as most baby orangutans. All they do is scream and break stuff. And I hate them. We should forget lab rats and just test vaccines and shampoos on human children. That way we can both cull the population and get more accurate research data.
So now I have a bunch of annoying little crapbags IN MY OWN HOUSE sitting at MY TABLE in MY KITCHEN using MY PLATES and MY SILVERWARE sitting in MY CHAIRS. For someone as selfish and unsharing as myself, this in itself is enough to drive you nuckin' futs. But in addition to that, they were yelping that annoying-as-hell little girl scream-laugh for no reason other than that there were other girls there. You know the laugh I mean. The high-pitched, piercing, nails-on-a-chalkboard cackle that just grates your soul and makes you want to bash someone's face in with a tube sock full of Duracells. I nearly just yelled at them "SHUT THE HELL UP YOU CRACK-SNACKING BUMBLEFUCKS!!!"
(For more interesting swear words, including cumbubble and soapytitwank, check out Sowerby & Luff and Fluffy TV.)
Also, because I work at my local library, I have to put up with lots of other peoples' kids who I can not punish in any sort of way. Unfortunately, their own parents don't punish them in any sort of way. What the fuck is with people? Your kids are annoying little sacks of shit. Either leave them at home when you have to go out in public, or beat them until they FUCKING BEHAVE. This yuppie bullshit isn't working, parents: YOU HAVE TO HIT YOUR KIDS WHEN THEY DISOBEY YOU. Okay? Use the volleyball approach. Use a stiff hand and just smack it.
I also was at the local "health clinic" (whatever the fuck that means) and this lady came in with the bitchiest kid I'd ever seen. He was screaming and kicking, and I assume he didn't want to go in, because he was yelling "NO MOMMY NO I DON'T WANNA GO IN DA HOSPITAL I WANNA DRIVE PLEASE MOMMY PLEASE NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOO WAAAAAAAA I WANNA DRIVE GIMME DA KEYS WAAAAA MOMMY NO NO NO!!!1!!1!"
He honestly said "I wanna drive." Personally, I don't think this kid should ever be allowed to drive.
So anyways, this idiot mom drags the kid in, and the kicker was, he wasn't screaming because he was scared of the doctor, because the appointment was for HIS SISTER. So this kid, for NO REASON, begins running around and then flops down on the table, tossing People and Good Housekeeping magazines all over the place. Then he started kicking the table and screaming in an attempt to make as much noise as possible. His mom had to drag him into a chair and HOLD HIM DOWN.
Then she said, "If I let you go, will you sit still?"
"No," I thought to myself. "He's gonna run around and throw a tantrum like he was doing right before you had to PHYSICALLY RESTRAIN him. I hate you so much, you idiot mother, I'll give you a nickname: Stupidmom."
"Yes," said the boy, in that little-kid, I'm-a-little-bitch-who-sucks-at-lying whimpery voice.
So Stupidmom let him go. And inevitably, the kid had a meltdown.
They say that you shouldn't stare. Well, you know what? I did more than stare. I gave Stupidmom a dirty look. A very dirty look. A look that said, "Thanks for providing me a good example of why I should never ever spawn my own children."
Thankfully my name was called and I walked into the guy's office. He was a geeky, creepy guy, the kind of guy who, if he went to my school, I would make fun of. He also had that trange beard, you know the one, the kind of beard that says, "I'm either an art student or a huge pervert. Either way I live with my mom." I couldn't help thinking to myself, "Why couldn't I get the friendly professional Asian neurologist the next door over?"
So you're probably wondering why I went to a neurologist. Well, I've had several horrible, painful, debilitating migraines, and I have a family history of aneurysms, including an uncle who died from one. Do the math: 2+2= I'm fucked. Probably. I don't know for sure yet, but I'm gonna have an MRI done soon to see what's up. Fortunately, there are ways to remove an aneurysm, but unfortunately, it means CUTTING A HOLE IN YOUR SKULL AND PUTTING A KNIFE IN YOUR FUCKING BRAIN. AAAAAAAAH. I should mention that brain surgery is my biggest phobia. My brain is my favorite organ of all, and I don't want someone poking around in it with pointy shit. Then again, the threat of dying from a randomly triggered blood clot in my head isn't too great either.
I wonder if a surgical scar from getting an aneurysm removed is one of those scars that can get you pussy. Doubt it. I guess I could just lie and say that I got shot in the head or was attacked by a rabid lamprey or something.
I guess I got off the topic of my sister's birthday. Neurosurgery and rabid lampreys are not relevant to Wizard of Oz themed birthday parties.
Hmm... Lampreys intrigue me. I'll probably have some sort of weekly segment. Obscure Animal of the Week.
Look forward to Sunday, where I will talk exclusively about lampreys. Although, considering how I talked exclusively about my sister's birthday party this time around, the subject may change to something else. Like... kosher.
Did you know that Snapple Iced Tea is kosher? It has the label on it. But that must mean that there's some sort of meat in it. Unless meat isn't the only thing that may or may not be kosher. If you're Jewish and know the rules of kosher, please tell me.
Can Jews eat soy bacon? It's supposed to be pork, but it's not really pork, is it? I guess they could, because they have Hebrew National hot dogs that are imitation pork. Not that I believe that hot dogs are actually made of pork, mind you...
I recently heard on one of my science podcasts (I forget which one) about a guy who was trying to clone meat. Not animals, just the meat. His reasoning was that between the animal's metabolism and all the inedible parts of the animal (bones and such), about 90% of the energy we put into livestock gets lost. So, we could probably do better just growing only the muscles and selling them. Plus, the PETA people would back off because we won't need those slaughterhouses anymore. Anything to get rid of PETA.
My point is, would Jews be allowed to eat cloned pork that was never actually part of a pig? Technically, it wouldn't be from an animal with a cloven hoof. So... there.
Gray areas are fun.
These are the things I think about when I'm bored.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
First Post
The interwebz just got a little bit bigger.
I have a blog.
Again.
I have an abandoned Xanga blog, which I gave up on in the middle of a post. In the middle of a word. I was gonna write "couch," but I just wrote "co," posted it, and never posted again.
But now I have a shiny new eMachines laptop, so I won't have to beat the five other members of my family to write my blog from the one computer we all share.
So yeah. The Google owns.
I just set up my new Gmail account, hayes.flannelshirt@gmail .com, so send me a message if anyone actually reads this. I need to know if people pay attention to me.
There's also the new Google Reader. Hooray. A third podcatcher for me. The iTunes on my PC, the iTunes on my laptop, and now Google Reader. The good thing is they're all free. But if you have Google Reader you need some RSS feeds, so if you have or know of any good blogs, tell me about them.
As you may have guessed, I wear flannel shirts. Every day. I wear an unbuttoned flannel shirt over a white t-shirt with khaki pants and a pair of New Balance sneakers. The heighth of fashion. And people think I'm gay. If I were gay I certainly wouldn't go out looking like my mother picked out my clothes. And, ironically enough, I'd also probably have an easier time getting a girlfriend.
So, introductory entry, I guess I should tell you about myself. I'm a 16 year old guy, just out of my sophomore year at a public high school in the suburban town of Wilmington, Massachusetts. I have a weird, sadistic, schizophrenic sense of humor, and I find almost everything funny. I think a lot of people think I'm crazy because I'll just randomly snicker or crack a smile over something funny I just saw or thought about. I also have difficulty recognizing taboos and borderlines. For example, I break awkward silences with even more awkward statements ("I wonder if a rapist ever had such a small penis that the girl stopped screaming and just laughed. That would really hurt your self-esteem.")
I'm kinda fat, but I've been cutting back on food and walking three miles every day over the summer, and I've now dropped about ten pounds; down to 176. Woo me. I won't be happy till my manboobs disappear. But oddly enough, it wasn't the bitchtits or the thunderthighs that convinced me that I was getting too fat and had to lose weight. It was my armpits. I was putting on deoderant one day, and I realized, "My armpits are fat." I have a roll of fat under my armpit. That's when you really know you have to work out.
I also have fugly feet. It's an odd thing to hate about yourself, but I do. They have hair on the top. My dad's short, I might be part hobbit. I also have had three ingrown toenails on two toes at the same time (figure it out yourself), so now my two big toes have yellowed ugly deformed undersized cracked toenails. Ew.
Yeah, yeah, too much information. Fuck you, no one's making you read it. If you don't like it, just go watch some porn. You know you want to.
I also am a closet atheist. My family is Catholic, and to be honest, it's just easier to grin and bear it and wait till I move out. Just a few more years...
So let me use a common literary tactic and bring it back to the beginning. I can't get a girlfriend because I'm fat, very unattractive, a fervent religious minority, I dress badly, I'm oblivious to social customs, I'm an unfunny nerd, a political nut, and a jackass who will laugh at anything.
Plus a lot of people think I'm gay. That probably plays a part in it.
I have a blog.
Again.
I have an abandoned Xanga blog, which I gave up on in the middle of a post. In the middle of a word. I was gonna write "couch," but I just wrote "co," posted it, and never posted again.
But now I have a shiny new eMachines laptop, so I won't have to beat the five other members of my family to write my blog from the one computer we all share.
So yeah. The Google owns.
I just set up my new Gmail account, hayes.flannelshirt@gmail .com, so send me a message if anyone actually reads this. I need to know if people pay attention to me.
There's also the new Google Reader. Hooray. A third podcatcher for me. The iTunes on my PC, the iTunes on my laptop, and now Google Reader. The good thing is they're all free. But if you have Google Reader you need some RSS feeds, so if you have or know of any good blogs, tell me about them.
As you may have guessed, I wear flannel shirts. Every day. I wear an unbuttoned flannel shirt over a white t-shirt with khaki pants and a pair of New Balance sneakers. The heighth of fashion. And people think I'm gay. If I were gay I certainly wouldn't go out looking like my mother picked out my clothes. And, ironically enough, I'd also probably have an easier time getting a girlfriend.
So, introductory entry, I guess I should tell you about myself. I'm a 16 year old guy, just out of my sophomore year at a public high school in the suburban town of Wilmington, Massachusetts. I have a weird, sadistic, schizophrenic sense of humor, and I find almost everything funny. I think a lot of people think I'm crazy because I'll just randomly snicker or crack a smile over something funny I just saw or thought about. I also have difficulty recognizing taboos and borderlines. For example, I break awkward silences with even more awkward statements ("I wonder if a rapist ever had such a small penis that the girl stopped screaming and just laughed. That would really hurt your self-esteem.")
I'm kinda fat, but I've been cutting back on food and walking three miles every day over the summer, and I've now dropped about ten pounds; down to 176. Woo me. I won't be happy till my manboobs disappear. But oddly enough, it wasn't the bitchtits or the thunderthighs that convinced me that I was getting too fat and had to lose weight. It was my armpits. I was putting on deoderant one day, and I realized, "My armpits are fat." I have a roll of fat under my armpit. That's when you really know you have to work out.
I also have fugly feet. It's an odd thing to hate about yourself, but I do. They have hair on the top. My dad's short, I might be part hobbit. I also have had three ingrown toenails on two toes at the same time (figure it out yourself), so now my two big toes have yellowed ugly deformed undersized cracked toenails. Ew.
Yeah, yeah, too much information. Fuck you, no one's making you read it. If you don't like it, just go watch some porn. You know you want to.
I also am a closet atheist. My family is Catholic, and to be honest, it's just easier to grin and bear it and wait till I move out. Just a few more years...
So let me use a common literary tactic and bring it back to the beginning. I can't get a girlfriend because I'm fat, very unattractive, a fervent religious minority, I dress badly, I'm oblivious to social customs, I'm an unfunny nerd, a political nut, and a jackass who will laugh at anything.
Plus a lot of people think I'm gay. That probably plays a part in it.
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