I Hate Nature, Rednecks, Children, And School Shootings, But I Love The Muppets, Computers, And Bad Action Movies

Time for another day of fun and hypocrites. Blogs are fun and all, and they're a great way to find out what other people are thinking and also to record your thoughts so you can look back on them and see how both you and the world have changed. But if I ever found out that one of my friends had a diary, I'd call him a prissy little faggot and he'd never hear the end of it.

I guess technology can just make anything cool.

Technology pwns. With a lowercase "p."

For the non-1337 among you, that means that it's really cool.

Anyways, back to the title.

These are a few of my most and least favorite things. You already know what I think about children. To recap: Children are useless annoying shitbags who should be subjected to dangerous and immoral scientific research, or at the very least be removed from the general population until they are old enough to be worth anything to society.

Fuck AIDS. Children are the worst sexually transmitted diseases of them all.

I will certainly use this blog to openly state my often strange and offensive views on various parts of our culture (except for Sundays, when I'll discuss some odd and unique animals), and tonight I think I'll talk about school shootings. I'll save the other stuff for another time.

So yeah. School shootings.

You probably think I'm in favor of school shootings, seeing how they cut down on our population of children. However, I'm not. According to a recent study published in the Journal of Stuff I Pulled Out of My Ass, most school shootings happen in high schools and colleges, so they tend to kill the students who are old enough not to automatically piss me off.

If only more kindergarteners brought handguns to school. If only.

Oh sorry, was that intolerant and offensive? FUCK YOU.

And before anyone says "Too soon," I'll say a preemptive FUCK YOU. That Virginia Tech thing was a fucking long time ago.

For once, I take the normal position and say that it's bad to come into a school and kill a bunch of people indiscriminately. Whoop dee doo, Nick's not a total sociopath.

But don't be disappointed! The nut view is right ahead!

Well, I guess before I go any further, I should tell you my political beliefs.

My political beliefs change depending on my mood, company, health, environment, time of day, and whether I'm hungry or not.

Usually, I'm halfway between a Democrat and a Libertarian. I believe strongly in minimal government and personal freedom, but I do believe that some government regulations and services are necessary to furthering our society.

Sometimes when I'm feeling happy and whistful, I'm an anarchist for a little while. My utopia is an anarchy where everyone pitches in and gets involved, eliminating the need for a government. However, pesky reality always ruins my dreams, and I allow practicality to calmly and patiently explain to me that anarchy would invariably end up in a corporate-run totalitarianism full of poverty and disease and that the loss of vital government programs like road systems and the National Guard would leave us without support. Damnit.

Sometimes I can get depressed about the state of the world, when I see a hobo on the street who no one cares about, or a poor women displaced by Hurricane Katrina who can't afford to feed her own family, or hear on the news about some African village that was slaughtered in the senseless genocide, and I become the biggest socialist ever. I give up on the ideals of freedom and come down strongly on the side of justice, and I want a socio-capitalistic economy, where everyone is protected and no one has to live in poverty and we can all just live happy lives. Tax the rich, motherfuckers.

On Monday mornings I hate the world and just want everyone to die. I just wanna phone up bin Laden and give him step-by-step instructions on how to build a nuke. I hate mornings, and Mondays just suck ass.

Speaking of which, my MRI to check out my head is on Monday. If I believed in luck, I'd ask you to wish me it.

"Luck is just probability taken personally." - Some guy. It wasn't Penn Jillette like some people think, it was some guy who he knows. And I'm way to lazy to spend 45 seconds on Google to find the name of the guy who actually said it.

Holy shit, I got really far off the subject there. So, anyways, my libertarian side is the one that kicks in when I think about school shootings, and my solution is an odd one.

MORE GUNS. WE NEED MORE GUNS.

Here's a tidbit to think about: The reason that so many people die in school shootings is because there's only one person in the building with a gun, and it's the person who just went completely fucknutty.

Think about it: If every student had a gun, everyone would be scared shitless to shoot anyone, because they'd know that everyone else in the room would whip out a gun and blow their brains out. It's like the Cold War. The Americans and Soviets were scared out of their nutsacks over the threat of a nuclear war. Neither one dared attack the other, because they knew there'd be a counter-attack and both of them would die.

So you see, if everyone had a weapon, no one would get shot, because there would be immediate consequences.

Then again, there are a lot of people at my school who I wouldn't trust with a gun. Like Jamie Cummings, or Eddie Sheridan, or Eric Kenney (in-joke).

Maybe we should just have more of those rent-a-cops. I'm serious. If we just had three or four of those guys per school, and as long as they were armed, they could easily take out the shooter before he could kill anyone. Or at least before he killed, I dunno, like five or six people. Trust me, it would work. And best of all, it would keep cops off the streets, so they would stop harrassing all the teens who are just minding their own goddamn business. So what is they get stoned every once in a while? They're not hurting anybody.

Hooray for hating cops. I hate to hate them, because honestly, they're here to protect and serve us, and they have a dangerous job and they have to go through some really tough shit. But you know, that doesn't mean that I'm okay with them being total prejudiced douchebags to every kid who wears a Metallica shirt or plays hackysack. They're not all stoners, and even if they were, leave them be. Fuck what you say, there is absolutely nothing wrong with smoking a little pot.

If you're wondering, I don't smoke pot. I might try it someday, but I don't know where to get it.

Shows you how smart I am. I live in suburban Massachusetts, for God's sake. There's marijuana EVERYWHERE and I don't know where to get it.

Oh well. The police aren't usually assholes to me personally, just people I know. It's understandable. I mean, come on. When was the last time you saw a delinquint in a flannel shirt?

So I watched a movie called Idiocracy today while I did my daily four mile walk. It was pretty good. It was about this average guy who got preserved in stasis for five hundred years, and when he woke up, the world was run by idiot rednecks because of the complete dumbing down of American culture and the tendency for stupid people to breed more, so evolution just kind of phased smart people out. So this guy is now the smartest person alive, and has to solve the world's problems. It was pretty funny, because it was sarcastic intellectual comedy, and also because it made fun of rednecks. I hate rednecks. Whenever I listen to Jeff Foxworthy or Bill Engvall, I tend to be laughing at them instead of laughing with them. Not Larry the Cable Guy, though. In case you didn't know, his whole thing is a total act. He's not really a redneck, so I find him funny because he's in on the joke, in a way.

So after my eighty minutes of exercise, I completely blew it by going upstairs and eating a slice of Oreo Cool-Whip pie. As I was eating it, I overheard my parents talk about how China had a booming economy and how their kids had to work so hard in school and that they were one of the top nations in the world, and how Japan was going into a recession and their people weren't educated and how they were declining as a country. I just didn't have the heart to tell them that they were ignorant dumbshits who had it completely back-asswards. Well, I do have the heart to say it, but remember: Just grin and bear it, you can move out in a couple of years. I swear I'm just gonna leave my family behind and not look back. I really can't stand them.

These are the things I think about when I'm bored.

First Post

The interwebz just got a little bit bigger.

I have a blog.

Again.

I have an abandoned Xanga blog, which I gave up on in the middle of a post. In the middle of a word. I was gonna write "couch," but I just wrote "co," posted it, and never posted again.

But now I have a shiny new eMachines laptop, so I won't have to beat the five other members of my family to write my blog from the one computer we all share.

So yeah. The Google owns.

I just set up my new Gmail account, hayes.flannelshirt@gmail .com, so send me a message if anyone actually reads this. I need to know if people pay attention to me.

There's also the new Google Reader. Hooray. A third podcatcher for me. The iTunes on my PC, the iTunes on my laptop, and now Google Reader. The good thing is they're all free. But if you have Google Reader you need some RSS feeds, so if you have or know of any good blogs, tell me about them.

As you may have guessed, I wear flannel shirts. Every day. I wear an unbuttoned flannel shirt over a white t-shirt with khaki pants and a pair of New Balance sneakers. The heighth of fashion. And people think I'm gay. If I were gay I certainly wouldn't go out looking like my mother picked out my clothes. And, ironically enough, I'd also probably have an easier time getting a girlfriend.

So, introductory entry, I guess I should tell you about myself. I'm a 16 year old guy, just out of my sophomore year at a public high school in the suburban town of Wilmington, Massachusetts. I have a weird, sadistic, schizophrenic sense of humor, and I find almost everything funny. I think a lot of people think I'm crazy because I'll just randomly snicker or crack a smile over something funny I just saw or thought about. I also have difficulty recognizing taboos and borderlines. For example, I break awkward silences with even more awkward statements ("I wonder if a rapist ever had such a small penis that the girl stopped screaming and just laughed. That would really hurt your self-esteem.")

I'm kinda fat, but I've been cutting back on food and walking three miles every day over the summer, and I've now dropped about ten pounds; down to 176. Woo me. I won't be happy till my manboobs disappear. But oddly enough, it wasn't the bitchtits or the thunderthighs that convinced me that I was getting too fat and had to lose weight. It was my armpits. I was putting on deoderant one day, and I realized, "My armpits are fat." I have a roll of fat under my armpit. That's when you really know you have to work out.

I also have fugly feet. It's an odd thing to hate about yourself, but I do. They have hair on the top. My dad's short, I might be part hobbit. I also have had three ingrown toenails on two toes at the same time (figure it out yourself), so now my two big toes have yellowed ugly deformed undersized cracked toenails. Ew.

Yeah, yeah, too much information. Fuck you, no one's making you read it. If you don't like it, just go watch some porn. You know you want to.

I also am a closet atheist. My family is Catholic, and to be honest, it's just easier to grin and bear it and wait till I move out. Just a few more years...

So let me use a common literary tactic and bring it back to the beginning. I can't get a girlfriend because I'm fat, very unattractive, a fervent religious minority, I dress badly, I'm oblivious to social customs, I'm an unfunny nerd, a political nut, and a jackass who will laugh at anything.

Plus a lot of people think I'm gay. That probably plays a part in it.