The title's from Old Yeller. That's the only scene I remember in that entire goddamn movie. I'm guessing it's the only one I'd like.
Even more than children, I hate dogs. They're dirty, dumb, loud, ugly, and dangerous. Kinda like most children.
But everybody loves dogs. Just look at the movies. Old Yeller, 101 Dalmations, Where the Red Fern Grows, My Dog Skip, Because of Winn-Dixie, Beethoven, Air Bud, Good Boy, See Spot Run, Must Love Dogs, et cetera, et cetera.
You wanna know the only dog movie I like?
Cujo.
It's VERY 80's, but it's enjoyable. It's basically a horror/suspense movie about a rabid dog who eats some rednecks. The mom (the same lady who played the mom in E.T.) and her little brat get into their crappy car and drive up to the mechanic, who lives in the middle of nowhere. Unfortunately, the mechanic was one of the rednecks who got eaten by Cujo. Then the car breaks down. So the mom and kid are trapped in this car for days while the giant rabid St. Bernard goes nuts.
I think one of the biggest reasons I liked this so much is that, unlike most great horror movies, like Alien or The Exorcist, this one could actually happen. (And don't even think of saying that The Amityville Horror was based on a true story. It wasn't.) I'm kind of getting sick of all the supernatural and sci-fi horror. I mean, real life can be scary. Giant sharks and inbred retards with chainsaws can be just as scary as poltergeists and aliens. I'm tired of having to suspend disbelief to sit through every sci-fi or horror movie that comes out. Theres no such thing as ghosts, demons, and aliens, goddamnit, and I don't want to have to see them every time I watch a scary movie!
But I digress.
Dogs are absolute shit and I hate them. They're essentially children, as I said before. They drool, they can't use a toilet, they're dumb, they smell, and they won't shut up. Have you ever looked into a dogs eyes? They don't look at anything, they just kind of sit there, staring vacantly, with their tongue hanging out, and you look into their wet soulless eyes and all you see is some dumb inferior creature. I hate that blank expression.
There are two differences between dogs and children: One, children eventually grow up. Two, children can't bite your face off and tear your limbs apart with their teeth. Dogs can. Whenever I see a dog, I cringe a little and think, That thing could inflict serious bodily injury to me. God, I swear I'll get a gun license someday and carry a gun if only so that I can shoot any dog that snarls at me. "Well, your honor, I thought it was rabid. I was only trying to protect the children."
I think that might work. I hate children, but it seems like everybody but George Carlin has a soft spot for them. Just talk about children and you can get away with murder.
"Look Spiderman, I killed your uncle by accident. I'm really sorry."
"I HATE YOU SANDMAN YOU KILLED UNCLE BEN!!1!!1!"
"I didn't mean to, I just needed the money."
"I HATE YOU SANDMAN YOU KILLED UNCLE BEN!!1!!1!"
"It's for my kid. She has some vague generic illness which can only be cured with a ridiculously expensive operation."
"Oh. Your kid's sick? Sorry to hear that man. I forgive you."
See what I mean?
Getting back to the point again, I take solace in the fact that, in every movie, just like the black guy*, THE DOG ALWAYS DIES. Heck, in Where the Red Fern Grows, two dogs die. The only one I'm not sure about is 101 Dalmations. Did any of the dogs die in that one? They must've. I mean, who can keep track of 101 dogs? Some must've gotten lost here or there, and, I dunno, they got eaten by Cruella De Ville.
Anyways, there are some great scenes in Cujo where the dog's trying to get into the car and the little kid gets the chiclets scared out of him. He's one of the few child actors who can put on a convincing performance. I'm looking at YOU, Dakota Fanning. You can't act for shit.
Oh well. Grin and bear it. It will all be over soon when Dakota Fanning goes from innocent child star to drunken crack whore. Don't act like it won't happen. Remember what happened to Lindsey Lohan?
Think of another child actor. Haley Joel Osment? Look what happened to him:
(The source is, of course, Wikipedia.)
At approximately 2:10 a.m. on July 20, 2006, Osment was driving alone after attending a Muse concert in his 1995 Saturn station wagon and allegedly lost control of the vehicle. As a result, the car crashed into a mailbox on a brick base and flipped over. Osment was conscious and communicating immediately after the crash. He fractured a rib, as well as his right shoulder blade, and suffered cuts and abrasions. His doctor noted that Osment was "in good condition" and would be released from hospital the next day after the accident. A blood sample was taken and his blood-alcohol content was measured to be 0.16 percent, twice the legal limit in California.
On August 18, 2006, Osment was charged with four misdemeanor counts: Driving under the influence of alcohol, driving with a .08 blood alcohol level or higher, enhancement of driving with a .15 or higher, and possession of marijuana while driving.
On October 19, 2006, Osment's lawyer, on behalf of Osment, pleaded no contest to one count each of misdemeanor driving under the influence and misdemeanor marijuana possession. The two other charges, another misdemeanor DUI and a vehicle code infraction, were dropped by prosecutors. Osment was sentenced to three years probation, 60 hours in an alcohol rehabilitation and education program, a fine of $1,500 and a minimum requirement of 26 Alcoholics Anonymous meetings over a six-month period.
Oh my god. I mean, it's Haley Joel Osment. Forrest Gump Jr., the kid from The Sixth Sense and Artificial Intelligence, the voice of Sora in the nostalgic trip-fest that is Kingdom Hearts, and that kid who was dying of AIDS in that one episode of Walker, Texas Ranger.
Oh, Kingdom Hearts. It used to be that if you wanted to relive your childhood in a trippy way, you had to smoke pot. Now you just need a Playstation 2.
So, to recap: Dogs, kids, modern horror movies, and Spiderman 3 all suck; George Carlin, watching innocent children go to shit, and Cruella De Ville all own.
*The only exceptions to the "black guy always dies" thing are movies starring Samuel L. Jackson. He did die in Deep Blue Sea, but the other black guy survived till the end of the movie. So to all you black guys out there, remember: If people start dying, stick close to Sam L. Jackson.
Then again, you should always stick close to Sam L. Jackson, whether you're black or not. He's just a badass motherfucker and you might need his help. I mean, you never know when something horrible is gonna happen, and when it does, you want Sam L. Jackson there to save you. You just never know. I mean, snakes on a plane? NOBODY saw that coming.
Showing posts with label Children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Children. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
I Hate Nature, Rednecks, Children, And School Shootings, But I Love The Muppets, Computers, And Bad Action Movies
Time for another day of fun and hypocrites. Blogs are fun and all, and they're a great way to find out what other people are thinking and also to record your thoughts so you can look back on them and see how both you and the world have changed. But if I ever found out that one of my friends had a diary, I'd call him a prissy little faggot and he'd never hear the end of it.
I guess technology can just make anything cool.
Technology pwns. With a lowercase "p."
For the non-1337 among you, that means that it's really cool.
Anyways, back to the title.
These are a few of my most and least favorite things. You already know what I think about children. To recap: Children are useless annoying shitbags who should be subjected to dangerous and immoral scientific research, or at the very least be removed from the general population until they are old enough to be worth anything to society.
Fuck AIDS. Children are the worst sexually transmitted diseases of them all.
I will certainly use this blog to openly state my often strange and offensive views on various parts of our culture (except for Sundays, when I'll discuss some odd and unique animals), and tonight I think I'll talk about school shootings. I'll save the other stuff for another time.
So yeah. School shootings.
You probably think I'm in favor of school shootings, seeing how they cut down on our population of children. However, I'm not. According to a recent study published in the Journal of Stuff I Pulled Out of My Ass, most school shootings happen in high schools and colleges, so they tend to kill the students who are old enough not to automatically piss me off.
If only more kindergarteners brought handguns to school. If only.
Oh sorry, was that intolerant and offensive? FUCK YOU.
And before anyone says "Too soon," I'll say a preemptive FUCK YOU. That Virginia Tech thing was a fucking long time ago.
For once, I take the normal position and say that it's bad to come into a school and kill a bunch of people indiscriminately. Whoop dee doo, Nick's not a total sociopath.
But don't be disappointed! The nut view is right ahead!
Well, I guess before I go any further, I should tell you my political beliefs.
My political beliefs change depending on my mood, company, health, environment, time of day, and whether I'm hungry or not.
Usually, I'm halfway between a Democrat and a Libertarian. I believe strongly in minimal government and personal freedom, but I do believe that some government regulations and services are necessary to furthering our society.
Sometimes when I'm feeling happy and whistful, I'm an anarchist for a little while. My utopia is an anarchy where everyone pitches in and gets involved, eliminating the need for a government. However, pesky reality always ruins my dreams, and I allow practicality to calmly and patiently explain to me that anarchy would invariably end up in a corporate-run totalitarianism full of poverty and disease and that the loss of vital government programs like road systems and the National Guard would leave us without support. Damnit.
Sometimes I can get depressed about the state of the world, when I see a hobo on the street who no one cares about, or a poor women displaced by Hurricane Katrina who can't afford to feed her own family, or hear on the news about some African village that was slaughtered in the senseless genocide, and I become the biggest socialist ever. I give up on the ideals of freedom and come down strongly on the side of justice, and I want a socio-capitalistic economy, where everyone is protected and no one has to live in poverty and we can all just live happy lives. Tax the rich, motherfuckers.
On Monday mornings I hate the world and just want everyone to die. I just wanna phone up bin Laden and give him step-by-step instructions on how to build a nuke. I hate mornings, and Mondays just suck ass.
Speaking of which, my MRI to check out my head is on Monday. If I believed in luck, I'd ask you to wish me it.
"Luck is just probability taken personally." - Some guy. It wasn't Penn Jillette like some people think, it was some guy who he knows. And I'm way to lazy to spend 45 seconds on Google to find the name of the guy who actually said it.
Holy shit, I got really far off the subject there. So, anyways, my libertarian side is the one that kicks in when I think about school shootings, and my solution is an odd one.
MORE GUNS. WE NEED MORE GUNS.
Here's a tidbit to think about: The reason that so many people die in school shootings is because there's only one person in the building with a gun, and it's the person who just went completely fucknutty.
Think about it: If every student had a gun, everyone would be scared shitless to shoot anyone, because they'd know that everyone else in the room would whip out a gun and blow their brains out. It's like the Cold War. The Americans and Soviets were scared out of their nutsacks over the threat of a nuclear war. Neither one dared attack the other, because they knew there'd be a counter-attack and both of them would die.
So you see, if everyone had a weapon, no one would get shot, because there would be immediate consequences.
Then again, there are a lot of people at my school who I wouldn't trust with a gun. Like Jamie Cummings, or Eddie Sheridan, or Eric Kenney (in-joke).
Maybe we should just have more of those rent-a-cops. I'm serious. If we just had three or four of those guys per school, and as long as they were armed, they could easily take out the shooter before he could kill anyone. Or at least before he killed, I dunno, like five or six people. Trust me, it would work. And best of all, it would keep cops off the streets, so they would stop harrassing all the teens who are just minding their own goddamn business. So what is they get stoned every once in a while? They're not hurting anybody.
Hooray for hating cops. I hate to hate them, because honestly, they're here to protect and serve us, and they have a dangerous job and they have to go through some really tough shit. But you know, that doesn't mean that I'm okay with them being total prejudiced douchebags to every kid who wears a Metallica shirt or plays hackysack. They're not all stoners, and even if they were, leave them be. Fuck what you say, there is absolutely nothing wrong with smoking a little pot.
If you're wondering, I don't smoke pot. I might try it someday, but I don't know where to get it.
Shows you how smart I am. I live in suburban Massachusetts, for God's sake. There's marijuana EVERYWHERE and I don't know where to get it.
Oh well. The police aren't usually assholes to me personally, just people I know. It's understandable. I mean, come on. When was the last time you saw a delinquint in a flannel shirt?
So I watched a movie called Idiocracy today while I did my daily four mile walk. It was pretty good. It was about this average guy who got preserved in stasis for five hundred years, and when he woke up, the world was run by idiot rednecks because of the complete dumbing down of American culture and the tendency for stupid people to breed more, so evolution just kind of phased smart people out. So this guy is now the smartest person alive, and has to solve the world's problems. It was pretty funny, because it was sarcastic intellectual comedy, and also because it made fun of rednecks. I hate rednecks. Whenever I listen to Jeff Foxworthy or Bill Engvall, I tend to be laughing at them instead of laughing with them. Not Larry the Cable Guy, though. In case you didn't know, his whole thing is a total act. He's not really a redneck, so I find him funny because he's in on the joke, in a way.
So after my eighty minutes of exercise, I completely blew it by going upstairs and eating a slice of Oreo Cool-Whip pie. As I was eating it, I overheard my parents talk about how China had a booming economy and how their kids had to work so hard in school and that they were one of the top nations in the world, and how Japan was going into a recession and their people weren't educated and how they were declining as a country. I just didn't have the heart to tell them that they were ignorant dumbshits who had it completely back-asswards. Well, I do have the heart to say it, but remember: Just grin and bear it, you can move out in a couple of years. I swear I'm just gonna leave my family behind and not look back. I really can't stand them.
These are the things I think about when I'm bored.
I guess technology can just make anything cool.
Technology pwns. With a lowercase "p."
For the non-1337 among you, that means that it's really cool.
Anyways, back to the title.
These are a few of my most and least favorite things. You already know what I think about children. To recap: Children are useless annoying shitbags who should be subjected to dangerous and immoral scientific research, or at the very least be removed from the general population until they are old enough to be worth anything to society.
Fuck AIDS. Children are the worst sexually transmitted diseases of them all.
I will certainly use this blog to openly state my often strange and offensive views on various parts of our culture (except for Sundays, when I'll discuss some odd and unique animals), and tonight I think I'll talk about school shootings. I'll save the other stuff for another time.
So yeah. School shootings.
You probably think I'm in favor of school shootings, seeing how they cut down on our population of children. However, I'm not. According to a recent study published in the Journal of Stuff I Pulled Out of My Ass, most school shootings happen in high schools and colleges, so they tend to kill the students who are old enough not to automatically piss me off.
If only more kindergarteners brought handguns to school. If only.
Oh sorry, was that intolerant and offensive? FUCK YOU.
And before anyone says "Too soon," I'll say a preemptive FUCK YOU. That Virginia Tech thing was a fucking long time ago.
For once, I take the normal position and say that it's bad to come into a school and kill a bunch of people indiscriminately. Whoop dee doo, Nick's not a total sociopath.
But don't be disappointed! The nut view is right ahead!
Well, I guess before I go any further, I should tell you my political beliefs.
My political beliefs change depending on my mood, company, health, environment, time of day, and whether I'm hungry or not.
Usually, I'm halfway between a Democrat and a Libertarian. I believe strongly in minimal government and personal freedom, but I do believe that some government regulations and services are necessary to furthering our society.
Sometimes when I'm feeling happy and whistful, I'm an anarchist for a little while. My utopia is an anarchy where everyone pitches in and gets involved, eliminating the need for a government. However, pesky reality always ruins my dreams, and I allow practicality to calmly and patiently explain to me that anarchy would invariably end up in a corporate-run totalitarianism full of poverty and disease and that the loss of vital government programs like road systems and the National Guard would leave us without support. Damnit.
Sometimes I can get depressed about the state of the world, when I see a hobo on the street who no one cares about, or a poor women displaced by Hurricane Katrina who can't afford to feed her own family, or hear on the news about some African village that was slaughtered in the senseless genocide, and I become the biggest socialist ever. I give up on the ideals of freedom and come down strongly on the side of justice, and I want a socio-capitalistic economy, where everyone is protected and no one has to live in poverty and we can all just live happy lives. Tax the rich, motherfuckers.
On Monday mornings I hate the world and just want everyone to die. I just wanna phone up bin Laden and give him step-by-step instructions on how to build a nuke. I hate mornings, and Mondays just suck ass.
Speaking of which, my MRI to check out my head is on Monday. If I believed in luck, I'd ask you to wish me it.
"Luck is just probability taken personally." - Some guy. It wasn't Penn Jillette like some people think, it was some guy who he knows. And I'm way to lazy to spend 45 seconds on Google to find the name of the guy who actually said it.
Holy shit, I got really far off the subject there. So, anyways, my libertarian side is the one that kicks in when I think about school shootings, and my solution is an odd one.
MORE GUNS. WE NEED MORE GUNS.
Here's a tidbit to think about: The reason that so many people die in school shootings is because there's only one person in the building with a gun, and it's the person who just went completely fucknutty.
Think about it: If every student had a gun, everyone would be scared shitless to shoot anyone, because they'd know that everyone else in the room would whip out a gun and blow their brains out. It's like the Cold War. The Americans and Soviets were scared out of their nutsacks over the threat of a nuclear war. Neither one dared attack the other, because they knew there'd be a counter-attack and both of them would die.
So you see, if everyone had a weapon, no one would get shot, because there would be immediate consequences.
Then again, there are a lot of people at my school who I wouldn't trust with a gun. Like Jamie Cummings, or Eddie Sheridan, or Eric Kenney (in-joke).
Maybe we should just have more of those rent-a-cops. I'm serious. If we just had three or four of those guys per school, and as long as they were armed, they could easily take out the shooter before he could kill anyone. Or at least before he killed, I dunno, like five or six people. Trust me, it would work. And best of all, it would keep cops off the streets, so they would stop harrassing all the teens who are just minding their own goddamn business. So what is they get stoned every once in a while? They're not hurting anybody.
Hooray for hating cops. I hate to hate them, because honestly, they're here to protect and serve us, and they have a dangerous job and they have to go through some really tough shit. But you know, that doesn't mean that I'm okay with them being total prejudiced douchebags to every kid who wears a Metallica shirt or plays hackysack. They're not all stoners, and even if they were, leave them be. Fuck what you say, there is absolutely nothing wrong with smoking a little pot.
If you're wondering, I don't smoke pot. I might try it someday, but I don't know where to get it.
Shows you how smart I am. I live in suburban Massachusetts, for God's sake. There's marijuana EVERYWHERE and I don't know where to get it.
Oh well. The police aren't usually assholes to me personally, just people I know. It's understandable. I mean, come on. When was the last time you saw a delinquint in a flannel shirt?
So I watched a movie called Idiocracy today while I did my daily four mile walk. It was pretty good. It was about this average guy who got preserved in stasis for five hundred years, and when he woke up, the world was run by idiot rednecks because of the complete dumbing down of American culture and the tendency for stupid people to breed more, so evolution just kind of phased smart people out. So this guy is now the smartest person alive, and has to solve the world's problems. It was pretty funny, because it was sarcastic intellectual comedy, and also because it made fun of rednecks. I hate rednecks. Whenever I listen to Jeff Foxworthy or Bill Engvall, I tend to be laughing at them instead of laughing with them. Not Larry the Cable Guy, though. In case you didn't know, his whole thing is a total act. He's not really a redneck, so I find him funny because he's in on the joke, in a way.
So after my eighty minutes of exercise, I completely blew it by going upstairs and eating a slice of Oreo Cool-Whip pie. As I was eating it, I overheard my parents talk about how China had a booming economy and how their kids had to work so hard in school and that they were one of the top nations in the world, and how Japan was going into a recession and their people weren't educated and how they were declining as a country. I just didn't have the heart to tell them that they were ignorant dumbshits who had it completely back-asswards. Well, I do have the heart to say it, but remember: Just grin and bear it, you can move out in a couple of years. I swear I'm just gonna leave my family behind and not look back. I really can't stand them.
These are the things I think about when I'm bored.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Happy Birthday, You Little Piece of Shit
My 8 year old sister just had her birthday party today.
A half-dozen 8 year old girls in the house. Guuuuuuuuh. There's no way anyone could put up with them. Not even the most pedo-ish of the pedophiles. They'd just say "I can't stand these gorgeous little hotties" and drive away in their creepy old van.
I have the hypothesis that children under the age of ten are only as smart as most baby orangutans. All they do is scream and break stuff. And I hate them. We should forget lab rats and just test vaccines and shampoos on human children. That way we can both cull the population and get more accurate research data.
So now I have a bunch of annoying little crapbags IN MY OWN HOUSE sitting at MY TABLE in MY KITCHEN using MY PLATES and MY SILVERWARE sitting in MY CHAIRS. For someone as selfish and unsharing as myself, this in itself is enough to drive you nuckin' futs. But in addition to that, they were yelping that annoying-as-hell little girl scream-laugh for no reason other than that there were other girls there. You know the laugh I mean. The high-pitched, piercing, nails-on-a-chalkboard cackle that just grates your soul and makes you want to bash someone's face in with a tube sock full of Duracells. I nearly just yelled at them "SHUT THE HELL UP YOU CRACK-SNACKING BUMBLEFUCKS!!!"
(For more interesting swear words, including cumbubble and soapytitwank, check out Sowerby & Luff and Fluffy TV.)
Also, because I work at my local library, I have to put up with lots of other peoples' kids who I can not punish in any sort of way. Unfortunately, their own parents don't punish them in any sort of way. What the fuck is with people? Your kids are annoying little sacks of shit. Either leave them at home when you have to go out in public, or beat them until they FUCKING BEHAVE. This yuppie bullshit isn't working, parents: YOU HAVE TO HIT YOUR KIDS WHEN THEY DISOBEY YOU. Okay? Use the volleyball approach. Use a stiff hand and just smack it.
I also was at the local "health clinic" (whatever the fuck that means) and this lady came in with the bitchiest kid I'd ever seen. He was screaming and kicking, and I assume he didn't want to go in, because he was yelling "NO MOMMY NO I DON'T WANNA GO IN DA HOSPITAL I WANNA DRIVE PLEASE MOMMY PLEASE NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOO WAAAAAAAA I WANNA DRIVE GIMME DA KEYS WAAAAA MOMMY NO NO NO!!!1!!1!"
He honestly said "I wanna drive." Personally, I don't think this kid should ever be allowed to drive.
So anyways, this idiot mom drags the kid in, and the kicker was, he wasn't screaming because he was scared of the doctor, because the appointment was for HIS SISTER. So this kid, for NO REASON, begins running around and then flops down on the table, tossing People and Good Housekeeping magazines all over the place. Then he started kicking the table and screaming in an attempt to make as much noise as possible. His mom had to drag him into a chair and HOLD HIM DOWN.
Then she said, "If I let you go, will you sit still?"
"No," I thought to myself. "He's gonna run around and throw a tantrum like he was doing right before you had to PHYSICALLY RESTRAIN him. I hate you so much, you idiot mother, I'll give you a nickname: Stupidmom."
"Yes," said the boy, in that little-kid, I'm-a-little-bitch-who-sucks-at-lying whimpery voice.
So Stupidmom let him go. And inevitably, the kid had a meltdown.
They say that you shouldn't stare. Well, you know what? I did more than stare. I gave Stupidmom a dirty look. A very dirty look. A look that said, "Thanks for providing me a good example of why I should never ever spawn my own children."
Thankfully my name was called and I walked into the guy's office. He was a geeky, creepy guy, the kind of guy who, if he went to my school, I would make fun of. He also had that trange beard, you know the one, the kind of beard that says, "I'm either an art student or a huge pervert. Either way I live with my mom." I couldn't help thinking to myself, "Why couldn't I get the friendly professional Asian neurologist the next door over?"
So you're probably wondering why I went to a neurologist. Well, I've had several horrible, painful, debilitating migraines, and I have a family history of aneurysms, including an uncle who died from one. Do the math: 2+2= I'm fucked. Probably. I don't know for sure yet, but I'm gonna have an MRI done soon to see what's up. Fortunately, there are ways to remove an aneurysm, but unfortunately, it means CUTTING A HOLE IN YOUR SKULL AND PUTTING A KNIFE IN YOUR FUCKING BRAIN. AAAAAAAAH. I should mention that brain surgery is my biggest phobia. My brain is my favorite organ of all, and I don't want someone poking around in it with pointy shit. Then again, the threat of dying from a randomly triggered blood clot in my head isn't too great either.
I wonder if a surgical scar from getting an aneurysm removed is one of those scars that can get you pussy. Doubt it. I guess I could just lie and say that I got shot in the head or was attacked by a rabid lamprey or something.
I guess I got off the topic of my sister's birthday. Neurosurgery and rabid lampreys are not relevant to Wizard of Oz themed birthday parties.
Hmm... Lampreys intrigue me. I'll probably have some sort of weekly segment. Obscure Animal of the Week.
Look forward to Sunday, where I will talk exclusively about lampreys. Although, considering how I talked exclusively about my sister's birthday party this time around, the subject may change to something else. Like... kosher.
Did you know that Snapple Iced Tea is kosher? It has the label on it. But that must mean that there's some sort of meat in it. Unless meat isn't the only thing that may or may not be kosher. If you're Jewish and know the rules of kosher, please tell me.
Can Jews eat soy bacon? It's supposed to be pork, but it's not really pork, is it? I guess they could, because they have Hebrew National hot dogs that are imitation pork. Not that I believe that hot dogs are actually made of pork, mind you...
I recently heard on one of my science podcasts (I forget which one) about a guy who was trying to clone meat. Not animals, just the meat. His reasoning was that between the animal's metabolism and all the inedible parts of the animal (bones and such), about 90% of the energy we put into livestock gets lost. So, we could probably do better just growing only the muscles and selling them. Plus, the PETA people would back off because we won't need those slaughterhouses anymore. Anything to get rid of PETA.
My point is, would Jews be allowed to eat cloned pork that was never actually part of a pig? Technically, it wouldn't be from an animal with a cloven hoof. So... there.
Gray areas are fun.
These are the things I think about when I'm bored.
A half-dozen 8 year old girls in the house. Guuuuuuuuh. There's no way anyone could put up with them. Not even the most pedo-ish of the pedophiles. They'd just say "I can't stand these gorgeous little hotties" and drive away in their creepy old van.
I have the hypothesis that children under the age of ten are only as smart as most baby orangutans. All they do is scream and break stuff. And I hate them. We should forget lab rats and just test vaccines and shampoos on human children. That way we can both cull the population and get more accurate research data.
So now I have a bunch of annoying little crapbags IN MY OWN HOUSE sitting at MY TABLE in MY KITCHEN using MY PLATES and MY SILVERWARE sitting in MY CHAIRS. For someone as selfish and unsharing as myself, this in itself is enough to drive you nuckin' futs. But in addition to that, they were yelping that annoying-as-hell little girl scream-laugh for no reason other than that there were other girls there. You know the laugh I mean. The high-pitched, piercing, nails-on-a-chalkboard cackle that just grates your soul and makes you want to bash someone's face in with a tube sock full of Duracells. I nearly just yelled at them "SHUT THE HELL UP YOU CRACK-SNACKING BUMBLEFUCKS!!!"
(For more interesting swear words, including cumbubble and soapytitwank, check out Sowerby & Luff and Fluffy TV.)
Also, because I work at my local library, I have to put up with lots of other peoples' kids who I can not punish in any sort of way. Unfortunately, their own parents don't punish them in any sort of way. What the fuck is with people? Your kids are annoying little sacks of shit. Either leave them at home when you have to go out in public, or beat them until they FUCKING BEHAVE. This yuppie bullshit isn't working, parents: YOU HAVE TO HIT YOUR KIDS WHEN THEY DISOBEY YOU. Okay? Use the volleyball approach. Use a stiff hand and just smack it.
I also was at the local "health clinic" (whatever the fuck that means) and this lady came in with the bitchiest kid I'd ever seen. He was screaming and kicking, and I assume he didn't want to go in, because he was yelling "NO MOMMY NO I DON'T WANNA GO IN DA HOSPITAL I WANNA DRIVE PLEASE MOMMY PLEASE NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOO WAAAAAAAA I WANNA DRIVE GIMME DA KEYS WAAAAA MOMMY NO NO NO!!!1!!1!"
He honestly said "I wanna drive." Personally, I don't think this kid should ever be allowed to drive.
So anyways, this idiot mom drags the kid in, and the kicker was, he wasn't screaming because he was scared of the doctor, because the appointment was for HIS SISTER. So this kid, for NO REASON, begins running around and then flops down on the table, tossing People and Good Housekeeping magazines all over the place. Then he started kicking the table and screaming in an attempt to make as much noise as possible. His mom had to drag him into a chair and HOLD HIM DOWN.
Then she said, "If I let you go, will you sit still?"
"No," I thought to myself. "He's gonna run around and throw a tantrum like he was doing right before you had to PHYSICALLY RESTRAIN him. I hate you so much, you idiot mother, I'll give you a nickname: Stupidmom."
"Yes," said the boy, in that little-kid, I'm-a-little-bitch-who-sucks-at-lying whimpery voice.
So Stupidmom let him go. And inevitably, the kid had a meltdown.
They say that you shouldn't stare. Well, you know what? I did more than stare. I gave Stupidmom a dirty look. A very dirty look. A look that said, "Thanks for providing me a good example of why I should never ever spawn my own children."
Thankfully my name was called and I walked into the guy's office. He was a geeky, creepy guy, the kind of guy who, if he went to my school, I would make fun of. He also had that trange beard, you know the one, the kind of beard that says, "I'm either an art student or a huge pervert. Either way I live with my mom." I couldn't help thinking to myself, "Why couldn't I get the friendly professional Asian neurologist the next door over?"
So you're probably wondering why I went to a neurologist. Well, I've had several horrible, painful, debilitating migraines, and I have a family history of aneurysms, including an uncle who died from one. Do the math: 2+2= I'm fucked. Probably. I don't know for sure yet, but I'm gonna have an MRI done soon to see what's up. Fortunately, there are ways to remove an aneurysm, but unfortunately, it means CUTTING A HOLE IN YOUR SKULL AND PUTTING A KNIFE IN YOUR FUCKING BRAIN. AAAAAAAAH. I should mention that brain surgery is my biggest phobia. My brain is my favorite organ of all, and I don't want someone poking around in it with pointy shit. Then again, the threat of dying from a randomly triggered blood clot in my head isn't too great either.
I wonder if a surgical scar from getting an aneurysm removed is one of those scars that can get you pussy. Doubt it. I guess I could just lie and say that I got shot in the head or was attacked by a rabid lamprey or something.
I guess I got off the topic of my sister's birthday. Neurosurgery and rabid lampreys are not relevant to Wizard of Oz themed birthday parties.
Hmm... Lampreys intrigue me. I'll probably have some sort of weekly segment. Obscure Animal of the Week.
Look forward to Sunday, where I will talk exclusively about lampreys. Although, considering how I talked exclusively about my sister's birthday party this time around, the subject may change to something else. Like... kosher.
Did you know that Snapple Iced Tea is kosher? It has the label on it. But that must mean that there's some sort of meat in it. Unless meat isn't the only thing that may or may not be kosher. If you're Jewish and know the rules of kosher, please tell me.
Can Jews eat soy bacon? It's supposed to be pork, but it's not really pork, is it? I guess they could, because they have Hebrew National hot dogs that are imitation pork. Not that I believe that hot dogs are actually made of pork, mind you...
I recently heard on one of my science podcasts (I forget which one) about a guy who was trying to clone meat. Not animals, just the meat. His reasoning was that between the animal's metabolism and all the inedible parts of the animal (bones and such), about 90% of the energy we put into livestock gets lost. So, we could probably do better just growing only the muscles and selling them. Plus, the PETA people would back off because we won't need those slaughterhouses anymore. Anything to get rid of PETA.
My point is, would Jews be allowed to eat cloned pork that was never actually part of a pig? Technically, it wouldn't be from an animal with a cloven hoof. So... there.
Gray areas are fun.
These are the things I think about when I'm bored.
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