Obscure Animal Of The Week #1: Lampreys

On now to the first of several Obscure Animals Of The Week.

Lampreys.

Lampreys are a primitive form of fish, which evolutionarily branched off a really fucking long time ago. They have no scales, and don't have fins where their arms should be like most fish do. Because of that, they have to wriggle around like an eel. They usually live in freshwater in their larval stage, go into the ocean as an adult, and return to freshwater to spawn and die. Lampreys can grow up to three and a half feet long. Holy fucking Jesus.

Lampreys spend most of their lives as larvae, which look sort of similar, but don't have eyes or the trademark lamprey mouth. They were once thought to be a different species, but eventually some very bored scientists decided to watch them and they realized that they turned into lampreys. They mostly just sit in the mud and eat tiny shit, like microorganisms and crap.

Adult lampreys are jawless, and instead they have a circular mouth with rows of really nasty looking teeth. They use their mouth to latch on to fish and leech off of them for a little while. When the fish dies, the lamprey bites off one last chunk and then swims off. They're nasty little fuckers. Fortunately, they don't attack humans. Then again, that's what they say about bears and sharks.

Lampreys are a delicacy in Europe. No surprise there, everything nasty is a delicacy in Europe. Snails, lampreys, fungus, fish eggs... If you take a dump in someone's mouth, it's a delicacy in Europe.

Fortunately, Americans don't eat lampreys. We tend to eat stuff that doesn't look like Satan's condom of choice. Unfortunately, they're fucking up our food supply. Lampreys in the Great Lakes and other large freshwater bodies often latch on to trout, bass, and other delicious freshwater fish. They usually kill them, and even if they don't, the fish are left with a big gaping hole on their side and they probably have some sort of infection. I personally wouldn't eat it. So, people are trying to kill off the lampreys that are killing our fish. And before any of you PETArds say that they're not our fish, well, they fucking are. Fish don't make humaning rods and humaning boats to catch and eat us. We are better than them, and all animals. We're the only ones allowed to kill and eat fish, okay, you fucking lampreys?

Fortunately, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service agrees with me, and has created lampricides, designed to kill all and only lampreys. Also, they have been catching lampreys and sterilizing them. Why they don't kill them instead of just neutering them is beyond me.

It's probably just Bob Barker out there, in a fishing boat, catching all those lampreys.

"Help control the lamprey population... Spay and neuter your lamprey today"

Happy Birthday, You Little Piece of Shit

My 8 year old sister just had her birthday party today.

A half-dozen 8 year old girls in the house. Guuuuuuuuh. There's no way anyone could put up with them. Not even the most pedo-ish of the pedophiles. They'd just say "I can't stand these gorgeous little hotties" and drive away in their creepy old van.

I have the hypothesis that children under the age of ten are only as smart as most baby orangutans. All they do is scream and break stuff. And I hate them. We should forget lab rats and just test vaccines and shampoos on human children. That way we can both cull the population and get more accurate research data.

So now I have a bunch of annoying little crapbags IN MY OWN HOUSE sitting at MY TABLE in MY KITCHEN using MY PLATES and MY SILVERWARE sitting in MY CHAIRS. For someone as selfish and unsharing as myself, this in itself is enough to drive you nuckin' futs. But in addition to that, they were yelping that annoying-as-hell little girl scream-laugh for no reason other than that there were other girls there. You know the laugh I mean. The high-pitched, piercing, nails-on-a-chalkboard cackle that just grates your soul and makes you want to bash someone's face in with a tube sock full of Duracells. I nearly just yelled at them "SHUT THE HELL UP YOU CRACK-SNACKING BUMBLEFUCKS!!!"

(For more interesting swear words, including cumbubble and soapytitwank, check out Sowerby & Luff and Fluffy TV.)

Also, because I work at my local library, I have to put up with lots of other peoples' kids who I can not punish in any sort of way. Unfortunately, their own parents don't punish them in any sort of way. What the fuck is with people? Your kids are annoying little sacks of shit. Either leave them at home when you have to go out in public, or beat them until they FUCKING BEHAVE. This yuppie bullshit isn't working, parents: YOU HAVE TO HIT YOUR KIDS WHEN THEY DISOBEY YOU. Okay? Use the volleyball approach. Use a stiff hand and just smack it.

I also was at the local "health clinic" (whatever the fuck that means) and this lady came in with the bitchiest kid I'd ever seen. He was screaming and kicking, and I assume he didn't want to go in, because he was yelling "NO MOMMY NO I DON'T WANNA GO IN DA HOSPITAL I WANNA DRIVE PLEASE MOMMY PLEASE NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOO WAAAAAAAA I WANNA DRIVE GIMME DA KEYS WAAAAA MOMMY NO NO NO!!!1!!1!"

He honestly said "I wanna drive." Personally, I don't think this kid should ever be allowed to drive.

So anyways, this idiot mom drags the kid in, and the kicker was, he wasn't screaming because he was scared of the doctor, because the appointment was for HIS SISTER. So this kid, for NO REASON, begins running around and then flops down on the table, tossing People and Good Housekeeping magazines all over the place. Then he started kicking the table and screaming in an attempt to make as much noise as possible. His mom had to drag him into a chair and HOLD HIM DOWN.

Then she said, "If I let you go, will you sit still?"

"No," I thought to myself. "He's gonna run around and throw a tantrum like he was doing right before you had to PHYSICALLY RESTRAIN him. I hate you so much, you idiot mother, I'll give you a nickname: Stupidmom."

"Yes," said the boy, in that little-kid, I'm-a-little-bitch-who-sucks-at-lying whimpery voice.

So Stupidmom let him go. And inevitably, the kid had a meltdown.

They say that you shouldn't stare. Well, you know what? I did more than stare. I gave Stupidmom a dirty look. A very dirty look. A look that said, "Thanks for providing me a good example of why I should never ever spawn my own children."

Thankfully my name was called and I walked into the guy's office. He was a geeky, creepy guy, the kind of guy who, if he went to my school, I would make fun of. He also had that trange beard, you know the one, the kind of beard that says, "I'm either an art student or a huge pervert. Either way I live with my mom." I couldn't help thinking to myself, "Why couldn't I get the friendly professional Asian neurologist the next door over?"

So you're probably wondering why I went to a neurologist. Well, I've had several horrible, painful, debilitating migraines, and I have a family history of aneurysms, including an uncle who died from one. Do the math: 2+2= I'm fucked. Probably. I don't know for sure yet, but I'm gonna have an MRI done soon to see what's up. Fortunately, there are ways to remove an aneurysm, but unfortunately, it means CUTTING A HOLE IN YOUR SKULL AND PUTTING A KNIFE IN YOUR FUCKING BRAIN. AAAAAAAAH. I should mention that brain surgery is my biggest phobia. My brain is my favorite organ of all, and I don't want someone poking around in it with pointy shit. Then again, the threat of dying from a randomly triggered blood clot in my head isn't too great either.

I wonder if a surgical scar from getting an aneurysm removed is one of those scars that can get you pussy. Doubt it. I guess I could just lie and say that I got shot in the head or was attacked by a rabid lamprey or something.

I guess I got off the topic of my sister's birthday. Neurosurgery and rabid lampreys are not relevant to Wizard of Oz themed birthday parties.

Hmm... Lampreys intrigue me. I'll probably have some sort of weekly segment. Obscure Animal of the Week.

Look forward to Sunday, where I will talk exclusively about lampreys. Although, considering how I talked exclusively about my sister's birthday party this time around, the subject may change to something else. Like... kosher.

Did you know that Snapple Iced Tea is kosher? It has the label on it. But that must mean that there's some sort of meat in it. Unless meat isn't the only thing that may or may not be kosher. If you're Jewish and know the rules of kosher, please tell me.

Can Jews eat soy bacon? It's supposed to be pork, but it's not really pork, is it? I guess they could, because they have Hebrew National hot dogs that are imitation pork. Not that I believe that hot dogs are actually made of pork, mind you...

I recently heard on one of my science podcasts (I forget which one) about a guy who was trying to clone meat. Not animals, just the meat. His reasoning was that between the animal's metabolism and all the inedible parts of the animal (bones and such), about 90% of the energy we put into livestock gets lost. So, we could probably do better just growing only the muscles and selling them. Plus, the PETA people would back off because we won't need those slaughterhouses anymore. Anything to get rid of PETA.

My point is, would Jews be allowed to eat cloned pork that was never actually part of a pig? Technically, it wouldn't be from an animal with a cloven hoof. So... there.

Gray areas are fun.

These are the things I think about when I'm bored.