No Mama. He was my dog. I'll do it. BANG.

The title's from Old Yeller. That's the only scene I remember in that entire goddamn movie. I'm guessing it's the only one I'd like.

Even more than children, I hate dogs. They're dirty, dumb, loud, ugly, and dangerous. Kinda like most children.

But everybody loves dogs. Just look at the movies. Old Yeller, 101 Dalmations, Where the Red Fern Grows, My Dog Skip, Because of Winn-Dixie, Beethoven, Air Bud, Good Boy, See Spot Run, Must Love Dogs, et cetera, et cetera.

You wanna know the only dog movie I like?

Cujo.

It's VERY 80's, but it's enjoyable. It's basically a horror/suspense movie about a rabid dog who eats some rednecks. The mom (the same lady who played the mom in E.T.) and her little brat get into their crappy car and drive up to the mechanic, who lives in the middle of nowhere. Unfortunately, the mechanic was one of the rednecks who got eaten by Cujo. Then the car breaks down. So the mom and kid are trapped in this car for days while the giant rabid St. Bernard goes nuts.

I think one of the biggest reasons I liked this so much is that, unlike most great horror movies, like Alien or The Exorcist, this one could actually happen. (And don't even think of saying that The Amityville Horror was based on a true story. It wasn't.) I'm kind of getting sick of all the supernatural and sci-fi horror. I mean, real life can be scary. Giant sharks and inbred retards with chainsaws can be just as scary as poltergeists and aliens. I'm tired of having to suspend disbelief to sit through every sci-fi or horror movie that comes out. Theres no such thing as ghosts, demons, and aliens, goddamnit, and I don't want to have to see them every time I watch a scary movie!

But I digress.

Dogs are absolute shit and I hate them. They're essentially children, as I said before. They drool, they can't use a toilet, they're dumb, they smell, and they won't shut up. Have you ever looked into a dogs eyes? They don't look at anything, they just kind of sit there, staring vacantly, with their tongue hanging out, and you look into their wet soulless eyes and all you see is some dumb inferior creature. I hate that blank expression.

There are two differences between dogs and children: One, children eventually grow up. Two, children can't bite your face off and tear your limbs apart with their teeth. Dogs can. Whenever I see a dog, I cringe a little and think, That thing could inflict serious bodily injury to me. God, I swear I'll get a gun license someday and carry a gun if only so that I can shoot any dog that snarls at me. "Well, your honor, I thought it was rabid. I was only trying to protect the children."

I think that might work. I hate children, but it seems like everybody but George Carlin has a soft spot for them. Just talk about children and you can get away with murder.

"Look Spiderman, I killed your uncle by accident. I'm really sorry."
"I HATE YOU SANDMAN YOU KILLED UNCLE BEN!!1!!1!"
"I didn't mean to, I just needed the money."
"I HATE YOU SANDMAN YOU KILLED UNCLE BEN!!1!!1!"
"It's for my kid. She has some vague generic illness which can only be cured with a ridiculously expensive operation."
"Oh. Your kid's sick? Sorry to hear that man. I forgive you."

See what I mean?

Getting back to the point again, I take solace in the fact that, in every movie, just like the black guy*, THE DOG ALWAYS DIES. Heck, in Where the Red Fern Grows, two dogs die. The only one I'm not sure about is 101 Dalmations. Did any of the dogs die in that one? They must've. I mean, who can keep track of 101 dogs? Some must've gotten lost here or there, and, I dunno, they got eaten by Cruella De Ville.

Anyways, there are some great scenes in Cujo where the dog's trying to get into the car and the little kid gets the chiclets scared out of him. He's one of the few child actors who can put on a convincing performance. I'm looking at YOU, Dakota Fanning. You can't act for shit.

Oh well. Grin and bear it. It will all be over soon when Dakota Fanning goes from innocent child star to drunken crack whore. Don't act like it won't happen. Remember what happened to Lindsey Lohan?

Think of another child actor. Haley Joel Osment? Look what happened to him:

(The source is, of course, Wikipedia.)

At approximately 2:10 a.m. on July 20, 2006, Osment was driving alone after attending a Muse concert in his 1995 Saturn station wagon and allegedly lost control of the vehicle. As a result, the car crashed into a mailbox on a brick base and flipped over. Osment was conscious and communicating immediately after the crash. He fractured a rib, as well as his right shoulder blade, and suffered cuts and abrasions. His doctor noted that Osment was "in good condition" and would be released from hospital the next day after the accident. A blood sample was taken and his blood-alcohol content was measured to be 0.16 percent, twice the legal limit in California.

On August 18, 2006, Osment was charged with four misdemeanor counts: Driving under the influence of alcohol, driving with a .08 blood alcohol level or higher, enhancement of driving with a .15 or higher, and possession of marijuana while driving.

On October 19, 2006, Osment's lawyer, on behalf of Osment, pleaded no contest to one count each of misdemeanor driving under the influence and misdemeanor marijuana possession. The two other charges, another misdemeanor DUI and a vehicle code infraction, were dropped by prosecutors. Osment was sentenced to three years probation, 60 hours in an alcohol rehabilitation and education program, a fine of $1,500 and a minimum requirement of 26 Alcoholics Anonymous meetings over a six-month period.

Oh my god. I mean, it's Haley Joel Osment. Forrest Gump Jr., the kid from The Sixth Sense and Artificial Intelligence, the voice of Sora in the nostalgic trip-fest that is Kingdom Hearts, and that kid who was dying of AIDS in that one episode of Walker, Texas Ranger.

Oh, Kingdom Hearts. It used to be that if you wanted to relive your childhood in a trippy way, you had to smoke pot. Now you just need a Playstation 2.

So, to recap: Dogs, kids, modern horror movies, and Spiderman 3 all suck; George Carlin, watching innocent children go to shit, and Cruella De Ville all own.

*The only exceptions to the "black guy always dies" thing are movies starring Samuel L. Jackson. He did die in Deep Blue Sea, but the other black guy survived till the end of the movie. So to all you black guys out there, remember: If people start dying, stick close to Sam L. Jackson.

Then again, you should always stick close to Sam L. Jackson, whether you're black or not. He's just a badass motherfucker and you might need his help. I mean, you never know when something horrible is gonna happen, and when it does, you want Sam L. Jackson there to save you. You just never know. I mean, snakes on a plane? NOBODY saw that coming.