Resuming

I haven't written an entry since August. It's not because school is too hard and I get overloaded, it's just that I'm fucking lazy and I forgot my username. Then I remembered it's just my gmail account. I'm dumb.

So what's happened since August? I changed up my wardrobe a bit, I wear jeans more often now. I also failed my driver's test. Twice. I'm down to 164, which isn't that great. That means I've only lost 2.6 pounds from August to November. I haven't been too good about watching what I eat. I just got my report card today, it was pretty good. Good enough, at least.

Also, for any of you who listen to the Prerecorded Friends podcast, I'm the person who wrote in the "Summer of the Goose" story you heard on episode 22. Yeah, I'm a sick fuck, etc, blah. I'll post the story here. Eventually.

Well, that's pretty much all that I have to say. I'll try not to leave for months on end again. Just like I tried to lose weight.

Summer Reading Sucks Balls

I have been doing summer work a lot... That's part of why I haven't posted much.

Anyways, I still have to finish my french packet, read two novels, and teach myself trigonometry all before August 28th.

Yay me.

In lighter news: A pencil was removed from an elderly German woman's head.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/6933721.stm

We Are Anonymous. We Are Hackers On Steroids.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNO6G4ApJQY

Everything in this video is a lie.

I am Anonymous. I don't do those Habbo raids and shit, but, come on. This just makes us out to be so much worse than we really are.

NO ONE is a random target. All raid targets are chosen for some reason or other. Usually for being emos or furries. We won't "disturb your life" for no reason.

NO ONE ever gets hurt. EVER. Annoying phone calls are the absolute worst thing that will happen.

NO ONE took that bomb threat seriously. Come on.

We are not hackers on steroids. We are bored out our minds and have nothing better to do than sit on an internet imageboard and trade memes.

Most Anonymous are 40-year old men who live in their mom's basement. NOT DOMESTIC TERRORISTS.

We are not serious about the racism thing. We just pretend to be.

FOX News reporters should not be allowed to say the words "Epic lulz."

We didn't blow up that van. You made that up. That wasn't even the Party Van.

If someone tries to spoil the new Harry Potter book, does that really constitute being a domestic terrorist?

Most /i/nvasions aren't even funny. They're not a big deal.

Many Anonymous are pedophiles. We make fun of people who commit suicide. We protested furry convention. We post images of people eating shit. We post gruesome pictures of people torn apart in horrible accidents. We laugh at people in trouble. We have no guilt or conciense. We do not forgive. We are blasphemers. We hate most of the people on the planet. Strangely, none of this was mentioned on the FOX News report.

Anonymous invented lolcats. No, seriously, we did. So come on... Can the guys who brought you pictures of cats with funny captions really be that bad?

Have you ever wanted to really get back at someone for something petty? Like if the cashier drops your change on the counter, and it rolls all over the floor, and you know she did it on purpose, and then she gives you a fake "Oops" with a cutesy little smile, and you just wanted to make her life miserable? Anonymous are the people who actually do something about it.

They did get one thing right about Anonymous: None of us are as cruel as all of us. You know it's true.

To be completely serious: Anonymous is not evil. Anonymous is bored and laid-back, and just wants to hang out with other Anonymous. And then when someone pisses us off, they get raided by the minority of Anonymous that actually raid. Then they act like the victim. Then people like FOX get mad at us. They don't mention that these people brought it upon themselves for being pricks.

If you don't want Anonymous to harm you: LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE. We don't want you here. We are the quiet observers, laughing as the world goes to shit. For Bob Ross's sake, just let us be.

P.S. The guy with the blacked-out face got the Anonymous credo wrong. He should be raided for breaking rules 1 & 2.

P.P.S. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, GOOD.

P.P.P.S. If Anonymous ever did blow up a sports stadium, the next day there would be people on the news saying "We did it for the lulz." I guarantee it.

Obscure Animal Of The Week: Mantis Shrimp

Just read the article on Wikipedia, alright? I pretty much just copy it anyways. Also, do a google image search. Mantis shrimp are fugly.

"Hey guys. What's up?"

SPOILERS

Concerning Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

All the rumors you heard are true.

Even the ones I made up.

Also...

VOLDEMORT KILLS THE SORTING HAT.

No one seems to like that spoiler.

I'll get around to posting my opinions on it.

Anyways...

I weighed myself today. I'm down to 166.6 (lol). I don't look it, though. I think the scale's broken. Also, my shorts weigh one pound.

I've been limiting portions now, and I've eliminated snacking. For someone with as little willpower as me, that's a major accomplishment. Of course, while I was adjusting to eating less, I was FUCKING STARVING. It's not so bad now though.

If I actually have lost 20 pounds in the three months or so I've started caring about my health, then I no longer have any sympathy for fat people. I never realized that it was actually easy to lose weight. I feel ashamed that it took me so long to bother doing anything.

On the other hand, if my scale is just broken, then losing weight is fucking hard.

Next subject: The library OMFG.

For the past couple of months, I've had a part-time job at my library. This is a good thing, because it's easier and pays better than Market Basket and I also have access to tons of free stuff, like new DVDs. Anyways, in all the time I've been here, I've been punctual, always on time, usually a few minutes early. ONCE I was five minutes late, but it honestly wasn't a big deal.

The other day, I was scheduled to work the 1-5 shift. I didn't know. I had accidently overlooked it when I put my work schedule down on my calender, and I completely forgot about it.

I was just hanging around my house browsing the darkest corners of the internet, when at 2:45, I got a call from my supervisor/coworker, who said, "I was just wondering if you were coming in today?" in that yuppie/Stepford Wife voice of hers.

"SHIT," I thought to myself. I was feeling pretty guilty about missing my shift, and promised I'd get there right away. I apologized sincerely and then hung up.

As I was putting my shoes on, I thought, "Wait a minute. My shift started at 1:00. WHY THE FUCK DID SHE WAIT TILL QUARTER OF THREE TO CALL?" It's not like the library is a huge business where someone could have just overlooked me until almost two hours later. The only people scheduled in that time slot were me and her. What, she couldn't find time to call?

I got really pissed on my way over. If she'd called at 1:10 and asked where I was, I would have been honestly sorry and I probably would have skipped my break to make up for it. But since she waited an HOUR AND A HALF longer than she should have to call and ask me if I was coming in, I was just mad. Fuck her. I worked my ass off, but I didn't offer to stay after the end of my shift to make up for it.

In lighter news, there are rumors floating around the circulation desk of a raise for part-time workers. If I were superstitious, I'd pray for luck. And drink the Kool-Aid and wear Nikes and a tin foil hat. Good thing I'm a skeptic.

Speaking of which, I secretly laugh at all the people who rent Feng Shui books. And I cry a little inside whenever someone takes out "Natural Cures THEY Don't Want You To Know About." Even the title makes it sound like a conspiracy nut wrote it. But don't worry, Kevin Trudeau isn't a conspiracy nut. He's just a LYING SACK OF SHIT WHO DESERVES TO EAT FLAMING SHIT FOR SCAMMING, DECIEVING, AND ENDANGERING THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE.

I mean, I'm all for freedom of speech and all, but this book is actually dangerous. Not dangerous like Harry Potter and other books that drive our children away from God and towards Satanic pagan witchcraft, I mean dangerous like convincing people to shun medical care in exchange for expensive substances which more often than not, don't do anything. In the end, people who listen to what Mr. Trudeau has to say end up with quite a bit less money than before, or, in some cases, they end up dying from cancer because they decided to eat coral rather than go to chemotherapy.

Kevin Trudeau is a despicable person. He's worse than Tom Cruise.

Still Reading...

The Obscure Animal of the Week is... Rabbits.

'K thanks bye.

SNAPE KILLS AERIS...DUMBLEDORE

Holy fucking shit - I just got Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Bye - I'm gonna go read.

Repost: Speaking Of Vending Machines, It's Vicky!

(This is reposted from my shit Xanga.)

A while back, I was part of a rather odd conversation. Here it is.

I was sitting at the lunch table at school, with my friends and assorted others Jordan, Kyle, Micah, Allison, and a creepy, perverted, white-supremacist named James Cummings. I'm not kidding, that's really his name. Spelled like that and everything. I also know this guy named Dave Wang (He's Chinese or something, I don't know or care), so I said that those two should find some guy named Tom Pussy or something and start a band. Or a comedy troupe. That got some laughs.

Anyways, we got into a bit of satire over Jordan's "I'm a spiritual agnostic" bullcrap and got into a fucked-up conversation about dumbass philosophy. Jordan (not quite getting the joke, and going along with it) said that only he existed, and everyone else was just a figment of his imagination. Pointing to Cummings, I said, "You have a pretty fucked-up imagination." He explained this by saying that Cummings was just an amplified version of all his worst, darkest thoughts.

He also said that I was the embodiment of his failed hopes and dreams. "Jordan wants to be a fat Jewbag?" Exclaimed Cummings. I am fat, but I'm not a Jew. I am a Jewbag, however. There's an important difference.

Rather than answer the question, we decided that the conversation should turn to Mexigans, people of Mexican descent who live in Michigan, which is a completely made up term based on a mispronunciation.

Because we're all 15 year old boys with ADD, the conversation turned to our friend Mario, and the fact that he had two vaginas. Cummings corrected us, saying that he had had Mario's vaginas cut off and had them hanging on a wall. Kyle, in a moment of his amazing comedy, remarked, "And when you press the little button, they sing!" (That's an allusion to the singing bass, in case you're an idiot.)

After we laughed our asses off, attracting the attention of the vice principal and many students, we began talking about vending machines, and Vicky came over to say something. However, she never got to say it, because Kyle said, "Speaking of vending machines, it's Vicky!" We laughed even harder, Vicky turned and left, and we went into a string of weird sex, prostitution, and abortion jokes. By this time, Micah and Allison had left, completely disgusted by what a Y-chromosome does to people.

"Give it money, wait a bit, and a baby pops out!" And other such comments followed until I heard Cummings say the completely out-of-context "And that's why I cry semen."
Completely flabbergasted, (which is the coolest word ever) I inquired into the origins of such a fucking goofy comment.

It turns out that last year, Cummings had been psychologically skull-raped by two fictitious dildos and then got an imaginary skull rape by Alex Mooney, possibly the only person in the world worse than Cummings himself. Cummings then said, pointing towards Micah, who was now farther away than when the conversation began, "She prefers it in the ear," to which I aasked, "Does the baby come out your nose in that case?" Which released a new string of bad jokes.

"Yeah, the baby's hanging on the umbilical cord like a giant snot."

"I'm gonna have an abortion. Ah-choo!"

Etc.

Then the bell rang and we left.

And yeah, I know that there was a Family Guy episode where people started having sex in the ear, but I'm pretty sure this happened before that episode aired.

(I will now give myself a pat on the back for telling random strangers about a you-had-to-be-there moment.)

I Don't Want To Write Tonight

I just don't. I know all of my hundreds of fans will be severely disappointed, but I'm not doing anything tomorrow, so I promise I'll post something.

P.S. Harry Potter comes out in two days. And all of my predictions will come true. Dobby kills Hermione!

Return Library Books PROMPTLY

So I'm working the checkin/checkout desk at the library.

Another one of those Massachusetts gangstas walks in with his girlfriend. Need I say it? He's white. Everyone's white in Wilmington, MA. Even the black people. Half of them are mulattoes.

Anyways, his girlfriend, who was actually kind of pretty, too pretty to be with this wigger fuck, walks over to the desk. Suddenly I realise she's not pretty; she's just wearing WAY too much makeup and I didn't have my glasses on me.

Anyways, she asks if we have any law books, so I give the standard line: Point towards the reference desk and say, "You can ask over at reference." I mean, how hard is it to realize that if you're looking for a certain book, you should go to the desk that says "LOOKING FOR SOMETHING?" rather than the one that says "RETURN BOOKS HERE"?

(Don't correct my punctuation. The question mark is supposed to be outside the quotation mark in this situation. I hate it when people try to correct my writing when I'm actually right. I know I'm right. I listen to Grammar Girl.)

Anyways, she goes to refernece, asks where to go, gets some books, and then comes back to the desk. She says, "I'm looking for a book," (she shows me a slip of paper with the Dewey Decimal number on it) "But it's not on the shelf where it should be. Do you know where it is?"

My internal monologue says Well, lady, if it's not on the shelf where it's supposed to be, then how the fuck am I supposed to know where it is? Oh yeah, it's in my secret stash of books hidden in the magazine rack. Dumb cunt.

Fortunately, my mind has a filter, so it came out as, "No, I'm sorry. If it's not where the call number says it is, then we don't know of any other place that it would be." It was a really obvious thing to say, but she took it in like I had the insight of a prophet. Then she said that it was new, and I was glad I had kept my mouth shut so that I wouldn't have had to eat my words. We keep books that were recently published in a seperate area on the front wall to bring more attention to newer titles. I point out where it is, and she goes to get it.

The thing is, it's really difficult to give people directions around the library. The desk where I'm usually at is in the corner of the one big downstairs room. So if someone asks "Where's the XXX?" I say, "We don't have porn, sir." But if they ask "Where's the (blank)?" I just point vaguely towards the other and of the room and give them a reference point. "It's... over there. On the far wall, by the biographies."

We could use a floor map. A sign with a little "You Are Here" and all the major sections labeled. But what we really need are big red lights. Someone asks, "Where are the DVDs?" and I just push the "DVD" button on my little panel and a big red light goes on in the DVD section. Then I just say, "Right at the big red light, ma'am."

This could gain additional irony in the children's section, with bad puns such as Clifford the Big Red Light.

So anyways, the girl gets her book and comes back. She tries to check them out, so I put her card under our supermarket-style barcode gun. It beeps and brings up her information. Then I quietly say to myself, "Holy crap."

Dumbfounded, I finally find the strength to say it.

"You have a fine on your card of $93.94."

I mean, HOLY JESUS. Nearly a hundred dollars in late fees!!! What the fuck? Does she eat books? I've worked here for nine months now, and the most I've ever seen was $20, and usually the're only like three or four bucks. But $93.94? WHAT THE FUCK!?

She's nearly as surprised as me, and asks what it was for. I bring it up, and it turns out that she'd lost a bunch of crap and the library was charging her to replace it. She says, "Oh, I still have that out. Can I return it?"

Yes, I think, but you probably should have returned this stuff in the one to two weeks that the library allows you to borrow it for. Or, failing that, you could have paid attention to the notice we mailed you telling you that you had overdue material, the SECOND notice we mailed you saying that you had VERY overdue material, and the THIRD notice we mailed you telling you that you have to either bring your crap back or pay full price for it so the library can replace it. What do you do, just throw away your mail? Come on! Don't you think you'd realise that you probably can't keep your library rentals for four months and that maybe we'd want our shit back?

Thank God for that filter, because I just said "Yes."

That's the only interesting thing that happened. I kind of wrote this entry as an homage to (cheap wripoff of) the "Behind the Counter" blog. (bbcamerican.blogspot.com)

Also, Harry Potter comes out in three days. One of the advantages of working at a library is that you get access to any book you want. (No shit, Sherlock.) Because it's a new title, you can't reserve it, so it pretty much goes to whoever gets it first. Of course, if you are at the library for several hours each day, four days a week, and the books that get returned go through you, then, the odds are stacked in your favor. Or, in this case, mine.

Everyone's making predictions. Well, here are mine.

1. Due to an insane plot twist, Dumbledore kills Snape.
2. Dobby kills Hermione.
3. Hagrid marries Madame Maxime and leaves Hogwarts to live a happy and carefree life among the giants. This leads J.K. Rowling to write the smash-hit spin-off "Harry Potter and the Adventures of Hagrid."
4. Uncle Vernon kills Luna Lovegood.
5. Peeves the Poltergeist plays a vital role to the storyline, just so J.K. Rowling can watch Warner Brothers squirm for writing him out of the movies.
6. Parvati Patil kills Cornelius Fudge.
7. Professor Sprout retires from her post as Herbology professor so that she can just grow plain old marijuana.
8. Professor Flitwick kills Buckbeak.
9. Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback eats Charlie Weasley. Mrs. Weasley, so distraught over the death of her son, throws away her life and becomes a cheap prostitute. She gets knocked up by Neville Longbottom.
10. The Sorting Hat kills Lucius Malfoy.
11. Fred and George give up the joke shop to perform magic for muggles, quickly becoming the most famous magicians in the world, but are soon killed by Penn and Teller, who had become deranged and vengeful after being pushed down to second-rate magicians.
12. Hedwig kills Viktor Krum.
13. Voldemort becomes the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher because he's the only qualified person left who hasn't been killed/brainwashed/a werewolf/locked in a trunk/driven nuts/killed Dumbledore.
14. The Golden Snitch kills Percy Weasley.
15. The new headmaster will be Gandalf.
16. Professor Trelawney kills Fluffy, the giant three-headed dog.
17. Mad-Eye Moody loses credibilty after it becomes apparent that he's just crosseyed.
18. Neville's toad, Trevor, kills Ron.
19. In a moment of irony, Professor Lupin dies of lupus after a brief cameo by Dr. House.
20. Dudley Dursley kills Cho Chang.
21. Cho Chang's deranged older brother, Cho Seung-Hui, breaks into Hogwarts and kills 30 students.
22. Crookshanks kills Wormtail.
23. The Death Eaters are sued by the KKK for copying their costumes.
24. Rita Skeeter kills Tonks.
25. Filch kills Madame Pomfrey.
26. Nearly-Headless Nick kills Professor McGonagall.
27. Kingsley Shacklebolt kills Ernie Prang, driver of the Knight Bus, but they are both such minor characters that no one notices or cares.
28. Rufus Scrimgeour kills Dolores Umbridge, and there was much rejoicing.
29. Seamus Finnigan kills Mundungus Fletcher.
30. Colin Creevey kills Grawp.
31. Because most of the students in the other houses have been killed or sent to Azkaban, Hufflepuff wins the Quidditch cup.
32. The Marauders Map kills Ginny.
33. The flying car from book two reappears and transforms into Optimus Prime. He is then taken apart and studied by Arthur Weasley.
34. Fleur Delacour kills Dean Thomas.
35. Crabbe kills Aunt Petunia.
36. Kreacher kills Oliver Wood.
37. Winky kills Draco Malfoy.
38. Goyle kills the lady on the Hogwarts Express who has the sweets trolley.
39. Professor Slughorn kills Bill Weasley.
40. Professor Grubbly-Plank kills Igor Karkaroff.
41. Nearly-Headless Nick kills Arthur Weasley.
42. Moaning Myrtle kills Bellatrix Lestrange.

I'm willing to bet that all of these predictions will come true.

'K thanks bye.

Hooray. I Didn't Die.

Sorry for not posting for a week. I just didn't feel like it after sitting through my last two days of driver's ed and then took an unexpected weekend trip to a cottage in the woods. Needless to say, no internet access.

And yesterday and Monday, I simply forgot that I had a blog.

And now I'm posting. I still don't get it. It's essentially talking to myself. Oh well. At least that one libertarian guy read it at least once.

I got Super Paper Mario. It's freakin' hilarious. I'd recommend it to anyone with a Wii.

I've decided to read a Bill O'Reilly book. I read an Al Franken a while ago, so I guess it's only fair.

The problem is that I can't find anyone at all with my political views. ANYONE. The closest is probably Bill Maher, but his books are more of a Carlinesque stand-up routine than meaningful political commentary (not that there's anything wrong with that).

So now, I decide to just read whatever and take the bits and pieces that make sense. The thing is, when I read the Al Franken book, a conservative kid in my CCD class (we'll call him Tony, because that's his real name) labeled me as a close-minded liberal. And now that I'm reading a Bill O'Reilly book, I just know that my liberal friends (JORDAN) are going to give me shit about being a hippie-hating Republican douchebag. Of course, as my history teacher pointed out to me, you can't be a Republican atheist, because none of the other Republicans will play with you.

By the way, if you don't know, CCD is the Catholic version of Sunday School.

Damn Catholics. It's such a dull religion. It could at least be more appealing to the masses, by offering cheap and nutritious food, swashbuckling, and an endless supply of beer and strippers. Fortunately, all of those desires are satiated by Pastafarianism.

I am officially Pastafarian now. I bought The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster at Barnes & Noble today and read through the whole thing. I would highly recommend it to EVERYONE. I haven't laughed like that at a book in so long. I nearly cried laughing when I saw the picture of the witch gleefully eating a calculator, and I did cry laughing when I read about the origin of penguins (read it yourself to find out).

So yeah. Praise Bob, Hail Xenu, RAmen, etc.

OHMIGOD SEGWAAAAAAAAAAY

I saw Live Free or Die Hard over the weekend. It was surprisingly good. As I left the theater, a bunch of thirteen year old wiggers were harassing a thirteen year old prostitute. This being Massachusetts, they were all white and probably raised in a cozy suburban town. They kept saying "nigga," so I looked for the black one. I couldn't find any black people anywhere in the parking lot. Maybe he was hiding.

Anyways, I laughed internally at these posers, because, lets be honest, that's what they are. "They're from the West Side of Burlington," as Lt. Hanafin put it. They are wannabes of something that I, personally, can not understand why anyone would want to be. "Yeah, let's shun ethics, education, and abiding by the law so that we can ignore the fact that we were raised in well-to-do households so we can pretend we were raised in ghettos by crack whores so that we can pettily and immaturely terrorize our neighborhood and commit crimes solely for the purpose of imitating a group of people who only turn to this law-breaking lifestyle because they see it as the only way out of the terrible conditions that we've never experienced in the whole of our hollow, poser lives!"

To which my reply is, "You're a surprisingly well-spoken poser. I have learned my lesson. In the future, I will judge white people by their eloquence and sarcasm, and not by there awkwardly faked accents and low-falling pants. Thank you, good sir."

Then I'd get "a cap in my ass," as the kids say. Oh well. When I die, I want it to be in a moment of fearless snark.

P.S. If you read, please leave a comment. Please?

Thanks For Scaring The Shit Out Of Me

Day 3 of drivers ed: A state trooper came in to talk to us.

HE SCARED THE BEJEEZUS OUT OF ALL OF US.

He mostly talked about the dangers of trucks and drugs.

He began by telling us that most trucks are allowed to weigh 100,000 pounds, but in order to increase profit many of them weigh double that.

So basically, whenever you see a big truck on the road, it could weigh fifty tons more than it is legally allowed to.

He also told us that, in order to relieve fatigue, many truck drivers take speed or other drugs to keep them up, which causes so many problems. Then they drink to remove the effects of the drugs.

He also says that 9 out of 10 trucks he inspects are not fit to be driven due to all the safety violations.

He also reminded us of the MASSIVE blind spots, the inability to stop, and the strength of trucks.

If you get into an accident with a truck, chances are thirty to one that you'll die.

And that's just the regular transport trucks. That doesn't count the ones loaded with gasoline, nuclear waste, toxic gases, and combustible compounds that put napalm to shame.

He told us that there are trucks full of chemicals IN MY OWN HOETOWN, which, if hijacked, you could drive the short distance to Boston, throw a homemade Drano bomb in the back, and then kill 250,000 people in one of the most gruesome ways possible (namely, having them bleed from every orifice before they start melting like Raiders of the Lost Ark). It would also linger so that nothing apart from some very hardy microorganisms could live in the area for decades. And that's not even considering that this stuff could be blown around by the wind.

Then he talked about all they ways that truck accidents can kill you, including, but not limited to:
1). Shaving the top of the car clean off and sending your head flying two hundred feet
2). Knocking you onto the passenger seat before rolling over you and snapping you in half
3). Smashing your head against the window and then grasting your face off like when Spiderman shoved the Sandman's head into that subway train
4). Smashing you from behind; snapping your spine and making the steering column tear your face off
5). Other assorted crush-and-splatter methods

I should mention that this was a very intimidating guy. He was tall and muscular, blah blah, but the thing was he had the perfect image: Shaved head, intense stare, loud voice, and that stance; the glaring, looking-down-at-you, hands folded, uniformed, "If-you-fuck-with-me-I'll-bite-out-your-heart-and-eat-it" stance. Fuck the surge, all we need is for this dude and his poker buddies to go to Iraq and we'll win.

He says he'll come back later in the week to talk to us about other stuff, including drugs, alcohol, and why if we do them he'll rape our mothers and put us in jail for life.

On an unrelated note, Don Johnson is a pervert. We watched one of those instructional videos stressing the importance of wearing a seat belt. He picked a girl from the audience, and they sat next to each other in this seat rig. He "pretended" to use some bad pickup lines on his "imaginary date." Then he fucking KISSED this high school (probably underaged) girl who he'd never met and said, "You look great in that seat belt." Then the documentary ended. Just like that. I mean, what the FUCK?

Also, I had Reese's for breakfast.

No, not candy! Reese's Puffs Cereal! It's like a wild explosion of peanut-butter and chocolatey taste.

Reese's Puffs Cereal. It's Reese's. For breakfast!

The moral of the story is: Never drive near trucks, respect the state troopers

Drivers Ed

GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...........

Most uncomfortable chairs EVAR.

What did I learn?

Well, I learned that the 1980's had the BEST public service announcements EVAR.

lol eighties. Good times... not really.

I mostly talked with some of the girls who I sort of know (OMFG I KNO GURLZ) about those old Nickelodeon game shows. Hell, it was better than talking to the 9/11 conspiracy nut.

So we chatted about Legends of the Hidden Temple and Figure It Out, then laughed at how Captain Planet had a girl from the Soviet Union and how Heart was the most bullshit power ever, then I mentioned the 5 foot tall spear-beaked penguins that they found recently, and the conversation eventually found it's way to The Aristocrats.

Yes, the dirty joke.

Someday I'll post my own version of that joke. Someday.

Day 2 of 5 of drivers ed is over. It's so bad, I almost don't want to drive anymore.

By the way, Airbags > Seatbelts.

No Post Today... Well, There Is, But, Y'know, Not Really

I really don't wanna write tonight.

I got up early to make it to drivers ed, but it started at 8:00, not 8:30 like I thought, so I got rushed and was pissed. So then I spent six and a half hours in the most fucking uncomfortable chair ever. Then I had to go straight to work and do a six hour shift because something came up with one of the other pages and she can't work for the next two weeks.

I got a dinner break, and had a burger. It was medium-rare, because there wasn't much time to cook it. I like medium-rare, it's juicy and warm, but every once in a while... You know. I spent the next two hours with a horrible stomachache, and my throat was so dry I could barely speak. Thank GOD I didn't get diarrhea or anything. At my job, I'm always standing or walking, and there would have been NO WAY I could hold that in.

Now I'm home, writing like I said I wouldn't. I just wanna sit here and read Dilbert. Good DAY, sir!

Obscure Animal Of The Week #2: Triops

Triops.

Triops, also known as tadpole shrimp, are a small form of crustacean. They have a shell which offers some rudimentary defense against some predators. Some triops have been found with up to 140 legs. They typically crawl around on the seafloor or swim short distances using their tails.

Triops have three eyes, two "normal" ones and one that is used to detect light. However, they don't use their eyes to fnd prey. Instead, they use a sense similar to smell, except they use their legs to smell, which is pretty fucked up.

In the northern hemisphere, there are very few male triops; in some places, there are only females. Fortunately, triops don't need their eggs to be fertilized. In the southern hemisphere, the numbers are more even. Triop mating has only been observed twice, by some very perverted scientists.

The eggs are absurdly resilient, able to last nine years in conditions such as drought, strong winds, temperatures from freezing to 80 degrees Celcius, and even the digestive system of a frog.

They eat small shit. You know, plankton, worms, assorted larvae, etc.

They tend to live for somewhere between two weeks and three months.

Evolutionarily, triops have remained essentially the same since the Triassic period, making them the oldest known living animal.

So there you go.

The source is, of course, Wikipedia.

Shia Labeouf And Giant Robots

Transformers

More than meets the eye

Transformers

Robots in disguise

Autobots wage their battle to destroy the evil forces of...

THE DECEPTICONS.

OMFG SPOILER WARNING!!1!!1!

Snape kills Dumbledore!

Sephiroth kills Aeris!

Anyways...

Yeah, I just saw Transformers. It was AWESOME.

First off, it had the best special effects EVER. I swear, it was the most amazing thing I've ever seen. You have to see this in the theater.

Second: It had the best quotes this side of Snakes on a Plane. Honestly.

"It's a robot... y'know, like a super-advanced robot... it's probably Japanese..."

Little girl talking to Ironhide: "Are you the tooth fairy?"

"If it's a super-advanced robot, why does it turn back into a piece of crap Camaro?"

"I want to ride you home... I mean, I want to give you a ride home."

"Bumblebee, stop lubricating on that man!"

Jazz: "You want a piece of me, Megatron?"

Megatron: "No... I want TWO!"
(Megatron rips Jazz in half. The black guy ALWAYS dies."

(Barricade slams Shia Labeouf onto a car and whips out his blades.)

"ARE YOU USER LADIESMAN217!?!?!?"

Army Man 1: "Where's your wallet!?"

Army Man 2: "POCKET!!!"

Army Man 1: "Which pocket!?"

Army Man 2: "MY BACK POCKET!!!"

Army Man 1: "You've got ten back pockets!"

Army Man 2: "LEFT CHEEK! LEFT CHEEK! LEFT CHEEK!"

There were some drawbacks, though. First was that the Decepticons didn't learn English until the end of the movie and just made annoying noises to communicate.

Second was that it used every action movie cliche. Oh well.

Third was that Bumblebee couldn't talk, and just used the radio. Annoying.

Fourth was that nothing obeyed the Law of Conservation of Mass. A Camaro turning into a 30-foot tall robot? A robot head the size of a melon turning into a cell phone? A 100 cubic foot box transforming into a 1 cubic foot box? Didn't make much sense, but it looked awesome, so I don't care.

(It's animated. Click on it.)

God, that better not be copyright infringement.

P.S. Ironhide is the Tooth Fairy. Pass it on, bitches.

P.S.S. Happy 7/7/07, you sick fucks. You know who you are. That song and dancing girl are now forever imprinted on my brain. Thanks a lot.

Good Catholic Family

My God, I hate Catholicism.

lol irony

I mean, come on. Is there a more dull religion out there? If I'm gonna believe in my invisible friend in the sky, I at least want to have some fun. Not all this piety and worship and those miserable psalms. They're so depressing.

Another side effect of living in a Catholic household is the uptight parents. You know what I mean. Or, if you don't, just know that if they ever found my blog, I'd be disowned. Yet, I keep writing anyways. I wonder why. I guess it's just the thrill of having a secret. Like those guys who do Parent Traps.

Parent Trap - Another one of those horrible sex acts like Dirty Sanchez and Dutch Oven. To do a Parent Trap, just go to the other side of the house from your mom. Then yell, "Hey Ma, come here," and whip out your dick. Beat off and cum before she gets to your room. If you don't make it in time... Well, too bad.

I guess that's for people with an exhibitionist fetish. Seems weird, but it is absolutely not the weirdest thing I've read about.

There are so many of these perverted sex acts (which I swear no one actually ever does) it's not even funny. And if you heard of some of them, you'd make this face:

Yiff In Hell, Furry

Today, let's insult and humiliate a group of people because of their sexual orientation.

No, not the gays, silly.

Furries.

In case you don't know, (and I honestly hope you don't,) furries are people who dress up in animal costumes (see below) and then have sex. They even have conventions and shit. There's actually a hilarious satirical documentary of a furry convention on YouTube.

THANK GOD I've never seen furry porn. You never know where it might pop up, and I'm always careful with the links on porn sites. That's something that you should never have to see.

Now, I know there are sicker fetishes out there, like pedophilia, bestiality, and mutilation. However, I think the difference is that THOSE ARE FUCKING ILLEGAL. People are allowed to be furries, and they try to be proud of it. Listen up, furries: Just because you're different from most people, doesn't give you the right to be proud.

I don't know why everyone on the w3bz hate furries so much. They're just... infuriating. They always seem to have a persecution complex that would make D. James Kennedy proud. Every time I read a post by a furry it's always "Oh, everyone hates me just because I dress up in fursuits and look at hentai." Well, they're fucking annoying. They are the Scientologists of the internet world. Everyone thinks, "Oh they can't be that bad," but when they meet one, they think, "OH GOD THEY'RE THAT FUCKING BAD."

Speaking of PETA: Fur is for animals. Wear your own skin. Especially when you're having sex, you goddamned furries.

Suck It, England

It's Independence Day. Holy Jesus. I... Don't give a shit.

Sorry, I know I'm supposed to barbecue and go see fireworks and listen to the Boston Pops and wave a flag and go to parades and all that junk, but, no, I'm not gonna.

You wanna know how I celebrated Independence Day? I watched Crash, sat by a lake and read a book about insults, watched Ferris Bueller's Day Off, and walked three miles on a treadmill while listening to Bill Moyers. A perfectly normal boring day in my life.

I really don't understand patriotism. I mean, I enjoy living in this country, I suppose, but I don't get so damn excited over it. I don't get that feeling inside of "America the Beautiful" and all that bunk. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I don't live in Mexico or Uzbekistan or something, but it seems too close to blind nationalism. And you know what inevitably happens when America is at it's most patriotic? A war. All the time. A lot of people today probably remember at least part of the Cold War. Weren't we such good Americans back then? Don't we all rally behind 9/11 now?

How am I supposed to respect, admire, and adore a country when it's leader waves a finger and saves one of his loyal toads from jail? I mean, how arrogant can you get? "I respect the jury, but I'm going to make them suck my balls and my buddy Scooter don't have to go to jail no more nucular 9/11 hispanos Iraq misunderestimate support the troops September 11 food on your family."

I really hate that man. I hope someone slowly and painfully removes his eyelids with white-hot toenail clippers and makes him stare into a bright light while they drop lemon juice on his eyes and have insects eat him alive.

As for Cheney, I think the only way to get rid of him is with a stake through the heart, right? Or is it a silver bullet? I always get confused.

So what have we learned today? I'm not patriotic, I hate the current regieme, and if I ever got in a fight with a supernatural creature I'd be fucked because I don't know the special ways to kill them.

Oh well. Good thing they're not real.

No Mama. He was my dog. I'll do it. BANG.

The title's from Old Yeller. That's the only scene I remember in that entire goddamn movie. I'm guessing it's the only one I'd like.

Even more than children, I hate dogs. They're dirty, dumb, loud, ugly, and dangerous. Kinda like most children.

But everybody loves dogs. Just look at the movies. Old Yeller, 101 Dalmations, Where the Red Fern Grows, My Dog Skip, Because of Winn-Dixie, Beethoven, Air Bud, Good Boy, See Spot Run, Must Love Dogs, et cetera, et cetera.

You wanna know the only dog movie I like?

Cujo.

It's VERY 80's, but it's enjoyable. It's basically a horror/suspense movie about a rabid dog who eats some rednecks. The mom (the same lady who played the mom in E.T.) and her little brat get into their crappy car and drive up to the mechanic, who lives in the middle of nowhere. Unfortunately, the mechanic was one of the rednecks who got eaten by Cujo. Then the car breaks down. So the mom and kid are trapped in this car for days while the giant rabid St. Bernard goes nuts.

I think one of the biggest reasons I liked this so much is that, unlike most great horror movies, like Alien or The Exorcist, this one could actually happen. (And don't even think of saying that The Amityville Horror was based on a true story. It wasn't.) I'm kind of getting sick of all the supernatural and sci-fi horror. I mean, real life can be scary. Giant sharks and inbred retards with chainsaws can be just as scary as poltergeists and aliens. I'm tired of having to suspend disbelief to sit through every sci-fi or horror movie that comes out. Theres no such thing as ghosts, demons, and aliens, goddamnit, and I don't want to have to see them every time I watch a scary movie!

But I digress.

Dogs are absolute shit and I hate them. They're essentially children, as I said before. They drool, they can't use a toilet, they're dumb, they smell, and they won't shut up. Have you ever looked into a dogs eyes? They don't look at anything, they just kind of sit there, staring vacantly, with their tongue hanging out, and you look into their wet soulless eyes and all you see is some dumb inferior creature. I hate that blank expression.

There are two differences between dogs and children: One, children eventually grow up. Two, children can't bite your face off and tear your limbs apart with their teeth. Dogs can. Whenever I see a dog, I cringe a little and think, That thing could inflict serious bodily injury to me. God, I swear I'll get a gun license someday and carry a gun if only so that I can shoot any dog that snarls at me. "Well, your honor, I thought it was rabid. I was only trying to protect the children."

I think that might work. I hate children, but it seems like everybody but George Carlin has a soft spot for them. Just talk about children and you can get away with murder.

"Look Spiderman, I killed your uncle by accident. I'm really sorry."
"I HATE YOU SANDMAN YOU KILLED UNCLE BEN!!1!!1!"
"I didn't mean to, I just needed the money."
"I HATE YOU SANDMAN YOU KILLED UNCLE BEN!!1!!1!"
"It's for my kid. She has some vague generic illness which can only be cured with a ridiculously expensive operation."
"Oh. Your kid's sick? Sorry to hear that man. I forgive you."

See what I mean?

Getting back to the point again, I take solace in the fact that, in every movie, just like the black guy*, THE DOG ALWAYS DIES. Heck, in Where the Red Fern Grows, two dogs die. The only one I'm not sure about is 101 Dalmations. Did any of the dogs die in that one? They must've. I mean, who can keep track of 101 dogs? Some must've gotten lost here or there, and, I dunno, they got eaten by Cruella De Ville.

Anyways, there are some great scenes in Cujo where the dog's trying to get into the car and the little kid gets the chiclets scared out of him. He's one of the few child actors who can put on a convincing performance. I'm looking at YOU, Dakota Fanning. You can't act for shit.

Oh well. Grin and bear it. It will all be over soon when Dakota Fanning goes from innocent child star to drunken crack whore. Don't act like it won't happen. Remember what happened to Lindsey Lohan?

Think of another child actor. Haley Joel Osment? Look what happened to him:

(The source is, of course, Wikipedia.)

At approximately 2:10 a.m. on July 20, 2006, Osment was driving alone after attending a Muse concert in his 1995 Saturn station wagon and allegedly lost control of the vehicle. As a result, the car crashed into a mailbox on a brick base and flipped over. Osment was conscious and communicating immediately after the crash. He fractured a rib, as well as his right shoulder blade, and suffered cuts and abrasions. His doctor noted that Osment was "in good condition" and would be released from hospital the next day after the accident. A blood sample was taken and his blood-alcohol content was measured to be 0.16 percent, twice the legal limit in California.

On August 18, 2006, Osment was charged with four misdemeanor counts: Driving under the influence of alcohol, driving with a .08 blood alcohol level or higher, enhancement of driving with a .15 or higher, and possession of marijuana while driving.

On October 19, 2006, Osment's lawyer, on behalf of Osment, pleaded no contest to one count each of misdemeanor driving under the influence and misdemeanor marijuana possession. The two other charges, another misdemeanor DUI and a vehicle code infraction, were dropped by prosecutors. Osment was sentenced to three years probation, 60 hours in an alcohol rehabilitation and education program, a fine of $1,500 and a minimum requirement of 26 Alcoholics Anonymous meetings over a six-month period.

Oh my god. I mean, it's Haley Joel Osment. Forrest Gump Jr., the kid from The Sixth Sense and Artificial Intelligence, the voice of Sora in the nostalgic trip-fest that is Kingdom Hearts, and that kid who was dying of AIDS in that one episode of Walker, Texas Ranger.

Oh, Kingdom Hearts. It used to be that if you wanted to relive your childhood in a trippy way, you had to smoke pot. Now you just need a Playstation 2.

So, to recap: Dogs, kids, modern horror movies, and Spiderman 3 all suck; George Carlin, watching innocent children go to shit, and Cruella De Ville all own.

*The only exceptions to the "black guy always dies" thing are movies starring Samuel L. Jackson. He did die in Deep Blue Sea, but the other black guy survived till the end of the movie. So to all you black guys out there, remember: If people start dying, stick close to Sam L. Jackson.

Then again, you should always stick close to Sam L. Jackson, whether you're black or not. He's just a badass motherfucker and you might need his help. I mean, you never know when something horrible is gonna happen, and when it does, you want Sam L. Jackson there to save you. You just never know. I mean, snakes on a plane? NOBODY saw that coming.

Help Control The Redneck Population. Spay And Neuter Your Redneck Today.

Okay, I'm all for libertarianism and freedom and shit, but lets be honest: Some people should not be allowed to have kids.

Just visit this blog and you'll see some examples of what I mean.

bbcamerican.blogspot.com

Just terrible.

To quote NOFX, "Why are all the stupid people breeding?"

I honestly think that there should be parenting tests. If the couple's combined I.Q. is lower than 160, you don't get a baby license and you're not allowed to breed. I'm not joking. I would actually be in favor of this becoming law. We don't need more rednecks. When I look at Larry the Cable Guy, I cry a little inside. I honestly might leave the country if they take over. More than they already have, I mean.

Rednecks are tools. They are pawns in the most successful conspiracy in American history. The modern Republican party.

They created an us-and-them, homogenization, follow-the-leader mentality. Then, they pushed a common religion. Conveniently, this religion is anti-birth control. Meaning, the mindless sheep are gonna have kids who will become mindless sheep. They're just gonna outbreed the rest of us until it becomes completely majority rule.

That's even more dastardly than the Transformers plot.

1. Create line of toys with so many moving parts that they're guaranteed to break so you have to buy a new one.

2. Create a television series to advertise for the toys.

3. Introduce new characters in the show so you can sell their toys.

4. Wait until the children who watched the show and bought the toys have grown up, and then release an action-packed nostalgia fest.

5. ????

6. Profit!

Obscure Animal Of The Week #1: Lampreys

On now to the first of several Obscure Animals Of The Week.

Lampreys.

Lampreys are a primitive form of fish, which evolutionarily branched off a really fucking long time ago. They have no scales, and don't have fins where their arms should be like most fish do. Because of that, they have to wriggle around like an eel. They usually live in freshwater in their larval stage, go into the ocean as an adult, and return to freshwater to spawn and die. Lampreys can grow up to three and a half feet long. Holy fucking Jesus.

Lampreys spend most of their lives as larvae, which look sort of similar, but don't have eyes or the trademark lamprey mouth. They were once thought to be a different species, but eventually some very bored scientists decided to watch them and they realized that they turned into lampreys. They mostly just sit in the mud and eat tiny shit, like microorganisms and crap.

Adult lampreys are jawless, and instead they have a circular mouth with rows of really nasty looking teeth. They use their mouth to latch on to fish and leech off of them for a little while. When the fish dies, the lamprey bites off one last chunk and then swims off. They're nasty little fuckers. Fortunately, they don't attack humans. Then again, that's what they say about bears and sharks.

Lampreys are a delicacy in Europe. No surprise there, everything nasty is a delicacy in Europe. Snails, lampreys, fungus, fish eggs... If you take a dump in someone's mouth, it's a delicacy in Europe.

Fortunately, Americans don't eat lampreys. We tend to eat stuff that doesn't look like Satan's condom of choice. Unfortunately, they're fucking up our food supply. Lampreys in the Great Lakes and other large freshwater bodies often latch on to trout, bass, and other delicious freshwater fish. They usually kill them, and even if they don't, the fish are left with a big gaping hole on their side and they probably have some sort of infection. I personally wouldn't eat it. So, people are trying to kill off the lampreys that are killing our fish. And before any of you PETArds say that they're not our fish, well, they fucking are. Fish don't make humaning rods and humaning boats to catch and eat us. We are better than them, and all animals. We're the only ones allowed to kill and eat fish, okay, you fucking lampreys?

Fortunately, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service agrees with me, and has created lampricides, designed to kill all and only lampreys. Also, they have been catching lampreys and sterilizing them. Why they don't kill them instead of just neutering them is beyond me.

It's probably just Bob Barker out there, in a fishing boat, catching all those lampreys.

"Help control the lamprey population... Spay and neuter your lamprey today"

Same Teams, New Map

I'm not in the mood to write much today.

I just walked 9 fucking miles.

I was bored and had a treadmill.

I watched some DVDS and shit to distract me.

I just watched Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (which was absolute shite) and Children of Men (which is my new favorite movie). A world with no children. Wow. That would be awesome. They make it seem like such a downer, though, what with the terrorists, Jesus freaks, and oppressive government.

And since when is Dylan a girl's name?

I also watched the final episode of Red Vs. Blue. It was a great ending. It's just kind of a shame. I always get sad when internet shows end. Couch Potato Illustrated, Penn Radio, Ze Frank, and now Red Vs. Blue. Ask A Ninja better not go or I'll be ripshit.

But I actually recently found that Couch Potato Illustrated is back. I can't find any of the shows they did from the time they came back till the whole "server crash" thing, so if anyone can point me to them I'd appreciate it.

I also have to put the word out for the Doogtoons Weekly Wrapup podcast. It's one of a very small group of shows that has me laughing my ass off at every episode.

That's all. Tomorrow's Sunday, so I'll be talking about lampreys.

I Hate Nature, Rednecks, Children, And School Shootings, But I Love The Muppets, Computers, And Bad Action Movies

Time for another day of fun and hypocrites. Blogs are fun and all, and they're a great way to find out what other people are thinking and also to record your thoughts so you can look back on them and see how both you and the world have changed. But if I ever found out that one of my friends had a diary, I'd call him a prissy little faggot and he'd never hear the end of it.

I guess technology can just make anything cool.

Technology pwns. With a lowercase "p."

For the non-1337 among you, that means that it's really cool.

Anyways, back to the title.

These are a few of my most and least favorite things. You already know what I think about children. To recap: Children are useless annoying shitbags who should be subjected to dangerous and immoral scientific research, or at the very least be removed from the general population until they are old enough to be worth anything to society.

Fuck AIDS. Children are the worst sexually transmitted diseases of them all.

I will certainly use this blog to openly state my often strange and offensive views on various parts of our culture (except for Sundays, when I'll discuss some odd and unique animals), and tonight I think I'll talk about school shootings. I'll save the other stuff for another time.

So yeah. School shootings.

You probably think I'm in favor of school shootings, seeing how they cut down on our population of children. However, I'm not. According to a recent study published in the Journal of Stuff I Pulled Out of My Ass, most school shootings happen in high schools and colleges, so they tend to kill the students who are old enough not to automatically piss me off.

If only more kindergarteners brought handguns to school. If only.

Oh sorry, was that intolerant and offensive? FUCK YOU.

And before anyone says "Too soon," I'll say a preemptive FUCK YOU. That Virginia Tech thing was a fucking long time ago.

For once, I take the normal position and say that it's bad to come into a school and kill a bunch of people indiscriminately. Whoop dee doo, Nick's not a total sociopath.

But don't be disappointed! The nut view is right ahead!

Well, I guess before I go any further, I should tell you my political beliefs.

My political beliefs change depending on my mood, company, health, environment, time of day, and whether I'm hungry or not.

Usually, I'm halfway between a Democrat and a Libertarian. I believe strongly in minimal government and personal freedom, but I do believe that some government regulations and services are necessary to furthering our society.

Sometimes when I'm feeling happy and whistful, I'm an anarchist for a little while. My utopia is an anarchy where everyone pitches in and gets involved, eliminating the need for a government. However, pesky reality always ruins my dreams, and I allow practicality to calmly and patiently explain to me that anarchy would invariably end up in a corporate-run totalitarianism full of poverty and disease and that the loss of vital government programs like road systems and the National Guard would leave us without support. Damnit.

Sometimes I can get depressed about the state of the world, when I see a hobo on the street who no one cares about, or a poor women displaced by Hurricane Katrina who can't afford to feed her own family, or hear on the news about some African village that was slaughtered in the senseless genocide, and I become the biggest socialist ever. I give up on the ideals of freedom and come down strongly on the side of justice, and I want a socio-capitalistic economy, where everyone is protected and no one has to live in poverty and we can all just live happy lives. Tax the rich, motherfuckers.

On Monday mornings I hate the world and just want everyone to die. I just wanna phone up bin Laden and give him step-by-step instructions on how to build a nuke. I hate mornings, and Mondays just suck ass.

Speaking of which, my MRI to check out my head is on Monday. If I believed in luck, I'd ask you to wish me it.

"Luck is just probability taken personally." - Some guy. It wasn't Penn Jillette like some people think, it was some guy who he knows. And I'm way to lazy to spend 45 seconds on Google to find the name of the guy who actually said it.

Holy shit, I got really far off the subject there. So, anyways, my libertarian side is the one that kicks in when I think about school shootings, and my solution is an odd one.

MORE GUNS. WE NEED MORE GUNS.

Here's a tidbit to think about: The reason that so many people die in school shootings is because there's only one person in the building with a gun, and it's the person who just went completely fucknutty.

Think about it: If every student had a gun, everyone would be scared shitless to shoot anyone, because they'd know that everyone else in the room would whip out a gun and blow their brains out. It's like the Cold War. The Americans and Soviets were scared out of their nutsacks over the threat of a nuclear war. Neither one dared attack the other, because they knew there'd be a counter-attack and both of them would die.

So you see, if everyone had a weapon, no one would get shot, because there would be immediate consequences.

Then again, there are a lot of people at my school who I wouldn't trust with a gun. Like Jamie Cummings, or Eddie Sheridan, or Eric Kenney (in-joke).

Maybe we should just have more of those rent-a-cops. I'm serious. If we just had three or four of those guys per school, and as long as they were armed, they could easily take out the shooter before he could kill anyone. Or at least before he killed, I dunno, like five or six people. Trust me, it would work. And best of all, it would keep cops off the streets, so they would stop harrassing all the teens who are just minding their own goddamn business. So what is they get stoned every once in a while? They're not hurting anybody.

Hooray for hating cops. I hate to hate them, because honestly, they're here to protect and serve us, and they have a dangerous job and they have to go through some really tough shit. But you know, that doesn't mean that I'm okay with them being total prejudiced douchebags to every kid who wears a Metallica shirt or plays hackysack. They're not all stoners, and even if they were, leave them be. Fuck what you say, there is absolutely nothing wrong with smoking a little pot.

If you're wondering, I don't smoke pot. I might try it someday, but I don't know where to get it.

Shows you how smart I am. I live in suburban Massachusetts, for God's sake. There's marijuana EVERYWHERE and I don't know where to get it.

Oh well. The police aren't usually assholes to me personally, just people I know. It's understandable. I mean, come on. When was the last time you saw a delinquint in a flannel shirt?

So I watched a movie called Idiocracy today while I did my daily four mile walk. It was pretty good. It was about this average guy who got preserved in stasis for five hundred years, and when he woke up, the world was run by idiot rednecks because of the complete dumbing down of American culture and the tendency for stupid people to breed more, so evolution just kind of phased smart people out. So this guy is now the smartest person alive, and has to solve the world's problems. It was pretty funny, because it was sarcastic intellectual comedy, and also because it made fun of rednecks. I hate rednecks. Whenever I listen to Jeff Foxworthy or Bill Engvall, I tend to be laughing at them instead of laughing with them. Not Larry the Cable Guy, though. In case you didn't know, his whole thing is a total act. He's not really a redneck, so I find him funny because he's in on the joke, in a way.

So after my eighty minutes of exercise, I completely blew it by going upstairs and eating a slice of Oreo Cool-Whip pie. As I was eating it, I overheard my parents talk about how China had a booming economy and how their kids had to work so hard in school and that they were one of the top nations in the world, and how Japan was going into a recession and their people weren't educated and how they were declining as a country. I just didn't have the heart to tell them that they were ignorant dumbshits who had it completely back-asswards. Well, I do have the heart to say it, but remember: Just grin and bear it, you can move out in a couple of years. I swear I'm just gonna leave my family behind and not look back. I really can't stand them.

These are the things I think about when I'm bored.

Look What I Found

http://furniturevideos.blogspot.com/

It's a blog... About furniture.

And... Videos of furniture.

And I thought I had a sad life.

Happy Birthday, You Little Piece of Shit

My 8 year old sister just had her birthday party today.

A half-dozen 8 year old girls in the house. Guuuuuuuuh. There's no way anyone could put up with them. Not even the most pedo-ish of the pedophiles. They'd just say "I can't stand these gorgeous little hotties" and drive away in their creepy old van.

I have the hypothesis that children under the age of ten are only as smart as most baby orangutans. All they do is scream and break stuff. And I hate them. We should forget lab rats and just test vaccines and shampoos on human children. That way we can both cull the population and get more accurate research data.

So now I have a bunch of annoying little crapbags IN MY OWN HOUSE sitting at MY TABLE in MY KITCHEN using MY PLATES and MY SILVERWARE sitting in MY CHAIRS. For someone as selfish and unsharing as myself, this in itself is enough to drive you nuckin' futs. But in addition to that, they were yelping that annoying-as-hell little girl scream-laugh for no reason other than that there were other girls there. You know the laugh I mean. The high-pitched, piercing, nails-on-a-chalkboard cackle that just grates your soul and makes you want to bash someone's face in with a tube sock full of Duracells. I nearly just yelled at them "SHUT THE HELL UP YOU CRACK-SNACKING BUMBLEFUCKS!!!"

(For more interesting swear words, including cumbubble and soapytitwank, check out Sowerby & Luff and Fluffy TV.)

Also, because I work at my local library, I have to put up with lots of other peoples' kids who I can not punish in any sort of way. Unfortunately, their own parents don't punish them in any sort of way. What the fuck is with people? Your kids are annoying little sacks of shit. Either leave them at home when you have to go out in public, or beat them until they FUCKING BEHAVE. This yuppie bullshit isn't working, parents: YOU HAVE TO HIT YOUR KIDS WHEN THEY DISOBEY YOU. Okay? Use the volleyball approach. Use a stiff hand and just smack it.

I also was at the local "health clinic" (whatever the fuck that means) and this lady came in with the bitchiest kid I'd ever seen. He was screaming and kicking, and I assume he didn't want to go in, because he was yelling "NO MOMMY NO I DON'T WANNA GO IN DA HOSPITAL I WANNA DRIVE PLEASE MOMMY PLEASE NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOO WAAAAAAAA I WANNA DRIVE GIMME DA KEYS WAAAAA MOMMY NO NO NO!!!1!!1!"

He honestly said "I wanna drive." Personally, I don't think this kid should ever be allowed to drive.

So anyways, this idiot mom drags the kid in, and the kicker was, he wasn't screaming because he was scared of the doctor, because the appointment was for HIS SISTER. So this kid, for NO REASON, begins running around and then flops down on the table, tossing People and Good Housekeeping magazines all over the place. Then he started kicking the table and screaming in an attempt to make as much noise as possible. His mom had to drag him into a chair and HOLD HIM DOWN.

Then she said, "If I let you go, will you sit still?"

"No," I thought to myself. "He's gonna run around and throw a tantrum like he was doing right before you had to PHYSICALLY RESTRAIN him. I hate you so much, you idiot mother, I'll give you a nickname: Stupidmom."

"Yes," said the boy, in that little-kid, I'm-a-little-bitch-who-sucks-at-lying whimpery voice.

So Stupidmom let him go. And inevitably, the kid had a meltdown.

They say that you shouldn't stare. Well, you know what? I did more than stare. I gave Stupidmom a dirty look. A very dirty look. A look that said, "Thanks for providing me a good example of why I should never ever spawn my own children."

Thankfully my name was called and I walked into the guy's office. He was a geeky, creepy guy, the kind of guy who, if he went to my school, I would make fun of. He also had that trange beard, you know the one, the kind of beard that says, "I'm either an art student or a huge pervert. Either way I live with my mom." I couldn't help thinking to myself, "Why couldn't I get the friendly professional Asian neurologist the next door over?"

So you're probably wondering why I went to a neurologist. Well, I've had several horrible, painful, debilitating migraines, and I have a family history of aneurysms, including an uncle who died from one. Do the math: 2+2= I'm fucked. Probably. I don't know for sure yet, but I'm gonna have an MRI done soon to see what's up. Fortunately, there are ways to remove an aneurysm, but unfortunately, it means CUTTING A HOLE IN YOUR SKULL AND PUTTING A KNIFE IN YOUR FUCKING BRAIN. AAAAAAAAH. I should mention that brain surgery is my biggest phobia. My brain is my favorite organ of all, and I don't want someone poking around in it with pointy shit. Then again, the threat of dying from a randomly triggered blood clot in my head isn't too great either.

I wonder if a surgical scar from getting an aneurysm removed is one of those scars that can get you pussy. Doubt it. I guess I could just lie and say that I got shot in the head or was attacked by a rabid lamprey or something.

I guess I got off the topic of my sister's birthday. Neurosurgery and rabid lampreys are not relevant to Wizard of Oz themed birthday parties.

Hmm... Lampreys intrigue me. I'll probably have some sort of weekly segment. Obscure Animal of the Week.

Look forward to Sunday, where I will talk exclusively about lampreys. Although, considering how I talked exclusively about my sister's birthday party this time around, the subject may change to something else. Like... kosher.

Did you know that Snapple Iced Tea is kosher? It has the label on it. But that must mean that there's some sort of meat in it. Unless meat isn't the only thing that may or may not be kosher. If you're Jewish and know the rules of kosher, please tell me.

Can Jews eat soy bacon? It's supposed to be pork, but it's not really pork, is it? I guess they could, because they have Hebrew National hot dogs that are imitation pork. Not that I believe that hot dogs are actually made of pork, mind you...

I recently heard on one of my science podcasts (I forget which one) about a guy who was trying to clone meat. Not animals, just the meat. His reasoning was that between the animal's metabolism and all the inedible parts of the animal (bones and such), about 90% of the energy we put into livestock gets lost. So, we could probably do better just growing only the muscles and selling them. Plus, the PETA people would back off because we won't need those slaughterhouses anymore. Anything to get rid of PETA.

My point is, would Jews be allowed to eat cloned pork that was never actually part of a pig? Technically, it wouldn't be from an animal with a cloven hoof. So... there.

Gray areas are fun.

These are the things I think about when I'm bored.

First Post

The interwebz just got a little bit bigger.

I have a blog.

Again.

I have an abandoned Xanga blog, which I gave up on in the middle of a post. In the middle of a word. I was gonna write "couch," but I just wrote "co," posted it, and never posted again.

But now I have a shiny new eMachines laptop, so I won't have to beat the five other members of my family to write my blog from the one computer we all share.

So yeah. The Google owns.

I just set up my new Gmail account, hayes.flannelshirt@gmail .com, so send me a message if anyone actually reads this. I need to know if people pay attention to me.

There's also the new Google Reader. Hooray. A third podcatcher for me. The iTunes on my PC, the iTunes on my laptop, and now Google Reader. The good thing is they're all free. But if you have Google Reader you need some RSS feeds, so if you have or know of any good blogs, tell me about them.

As you may have guessed, I wear flannel shirts. Every day. I wear an unbuttoned flannel shirt over a white t-shirt with khaki pants and a pair of New Balance sneakers. The heighth of fashion. And people think I'm gay. If I were gay I certainly wouldn't go out looking like my mother picked out my clothes. And, ironically enough, I'd also probably have an easier time getting a girlfriend.

So, introductory entry, I guess I should tell you about myself. I'm a 16 year old guy, just out of my sophomore year at a public high school in the suburban town of Wilmington, Massachusetts. I have a weird, sadistic, schizophrenic sense of humor, and I find almost everything funny. I think a lot of people think I'm crazy because I'll just randomly snicker or crack a smile over something funny I just saw or thought about. I also have difficulty recognizing taboos and borderlines. For example, I break awkward silences with even more awkward statements ("I wonder if a rapist ever had such a small penis that the girl stopped screaming and just laughed. That would really hurt your self-esteem.")

I'm kinda fat, but I've been cutting back on food and walking three miles every day over the summer, and I've now dropped about ten pounds; down to 176. Woo me. I won't be happy till my manboobs disappear. But oddly enough, it wasn't the bitchtits or the thunderthighs that convinced me that I was getting too fat and had to lose weight. It was my armpits. I was putting on deoderant one day, and I realized, "My armpits are fat." I have a roll of fat under my armpit. That's when you really know you have to work out.

I also have fugly feet. It's an odd thing to hate about yourself, but I do. They have hair on the top. My dad's short, I might be part hobbit. I also have had three ingrown toenails on two toes at the same time (figure it out yourself), so now my two big toes have yellowed ugly deformed undersized cracked toenails. Ew.

Yeah, yeah, too much information. Fuck you, no one's making you read it. If you don't like it, just go watch some porn. You know you want to.

I also am a closet atheist. My family is Catholic, and to be honest, it's just easier to grin and bear it and wait till I move out. Just a few more years...

So let me use a common literary tactic and bring it back to the beginning. I can't get a girlfriend because I'm fat, very unattractive, a fervent religious minority, I dress badly, I'm oblivious to social customs, I'm an unfunny nerd, a political nut, and a jackass who will laugh at anything.

Plus a lot of people think I'm gay. That probably plays a part in it.