Repost: Speaking Of Vending Machines, It's Vicky!

(This is reposted from my shit Xanga.)

A while back, I was part of a rather odd conversation. Here it is.

I was sitting at the lunch table at school, with my friends and assorted others Jordan, Kyle, Micah, Allison, and a creepy, perverted, white-supremacist named James Cummings. I'm not kidding, that's really his name. Spelled like that and everything. I also know this guy named Dave Wang (He's Chinese or something, I don't know or care), so I said that those two should find some guy named Tom Pussy or something and start a band. Or a comedy troupe. That got some laughs.

Anyways, we got into a bit of satire over Jordan's "I'm a spiritual agnostic" bullcrap and got into a fucked-up conversation about dumbass philosophy. Jordan (not quite getting the joke, and going along with it) said that only he existed, and everyone else was just a figment of his imagination. Pointing to Cummings, I said, "You have a pretty fucked-up imagination." He explained this by saying that Cummings was just an amplified version of all his worst, darkest thoughts.

He also said that I was the embodiment of his failed hopes and dreams. "Jordan wants to be a fat Jewbag?" Exclaimed Cummings. I am fat, but I'm not a Jew. I am a Jewbag, however. There's an important difference.

Rather than answer the question, we decided that the conversation should turn to Mexigans, people of Mexican descent who live in Michigan, which is a completely made up term based on a mispronunciation.

Because we're all 15 year old boys with ADD, the conversation turned to our friend Mario, and the fact that he had two vaginas. Cummings corrected us, saying that he had had Mario's vaginas cut off and had them hanging on a wall. Kyle, in a moment of his amazing comedy, remarked, "And when you press the little button, they sing!" (That's an allusion to the singing bass, in case you're an idiot.)

After we laughed our asses off, attracting the attention of the vice principal and many students, we began talking about vending machines, and Vicky came over to say something. However, she never got to say it, because Kyle said, "Speaking of vending machines, it's Vicky!" We laughed even harder, Vicky turned and left, and we went into a string of weird sex, prostitution, and abortion jokes. By this time, Micah and Allison had left, completely disgusted by what a Y-chromosome does to people.

"Give it money, wait a bit, and a baby pops out!" And other such comments followed until I heard Cummings say the completely out-of-context "And that's why I cry semen."
Completely flabbergasted, (which is the coolest word ever) I inquired into the origins of such a fucking goofy comment.

It turns out that last year, Cummings had been psychologically skull-raped by two fictitious dildos and then got an imaginary skull rape by Alex Mooney, possibly the only person in the world worse than Cummings himself. Cummings then said, pointing towards Micah, who was now farther away than when the conversation began, "She prefers it in the ear," to which I aasked, "Does the baby come out your nose in that case?" Which released a new string of bad jokes.

"Yeah, the baby's hanging on the umbilical cord like a giant snot."

"I'm gonna have an abortion. Ah-choo!"

Etc.

Then the bell rang and we left.

And yeah, I know that there was a Family Guy episode where people started having sex in the ear, but I'm pretty sure this happened before that episode aired.

(I will now give myself a pat on the back for telling random strangers about a you-had-to-be-there moment.)