Return Library Books PROMPTLY

So I'm working the checkin/checkout desk at the library.

Another one of those Massachusetts gangstas walks in with his girlfriend. Need I say it? He's white. Everyone's white in Wilmington, MA. Even the black people. Half of them are mulattoes.

Anyways, his girlfriend, who was actually kind of pretty, too pretty to be with this wigger fuck, walks over to the desk. Suddenly I realise she's not pretty; she's just wearing WAY too much makeup and I didn't have my glasses on me.

Anyways, she asks if we have any law books, so I give the standard line: Point towards the reference desk and say, "You can ask over at reference." I mean, how hard is it to realize that if you're looking for a certain book, you should go to the desk that says "LOOKING FOR SOMETHING?" rather than the one that says "RETURN BOOKS HERE"?

(Don't correct my punctuation. The question mark is supposed to be outside the quotation mark in this situation. I hate it when people try to correct my writing when I'm actually right. I know I'm right. I listen to Grammar Girl.)

Anyways, she goes to refernece, asks where to go, gets some books, and then comes back to the desk. She says, "I'm looking for a book," (she shows me a slip of paper with the Dewey Decimal number on it) "But it's not on the shelf where it should be. Do you know where it is?"

My internal monologue says Well, lady, if it's not on the shelf where it's supposed to be, then how the fuck am I supposed to know where it is? Oh yeah, it's in my secret stash of books hidden in the magazine rack. Dumb cunt.

Fortunately, my mind has a filter, so it came out as, "No, I'm sorry. If it's not where the call number says it is, then we don't know of any other place that it would be." It was a really obvious thing to say, but she took it in like I had the insight of a prophet. Then she said that it was new, and I was glad I had kept my mouth shut so that I wouldn't have had to eat my words. We keep books that were recently published in a seperate area on the front wall to bring more attention to newer titles. I point out where it is, and she goes to get it.

The thing is, it's really difficult to give people directions around the library. The desk where I'm usually at is in the corner of the one big downstairs room. So if someone asks "Where's the XXX?" I say, "We don't have porn, sir." But if they ask "Where's the (blank)?" I just point vaguely towards the other and of the room and give them a reference point. "It's... over there. On the far wall, by the biographies."

We could use a floor map. A sign with a little "You Are Here" and all the major sections labeled. But what we really need are big red lights. Someone asks, "Where are the DVDs?" and I just push the "DVD" button on my little panel and a big red light goes on in the DVD section. Then I just say, "Right at the big red light, ma'am."

This could gain additional irony in the children's section, with bad puns such as Clifford the Big Red Light.

So anyways, the girl gets her book and comes back. She tries to check them out, so I put her card under our supermarket-style barcode gun. It beeps and brings up her information. Then I quietly say to myself, "Holy crap."

Dumbfounded, I finally find the strength to say it.

"You have a fine on your card of $93.94."

I mean, HOLY JESUS. Nearly a hundred dollars in late fees!!! What the fuck? Does she eat books? I've worked here for nine months now, and the most I've ever seen was $20, and usually the're only like three or four bucks. But $93.94? WHAT THE FUCK!?

She's nearly as surprised as me, and asks what it was for. I bring it up, and it turns out that she'd lost a bunch of crap and the library was charging her to replace it. She says, "Oh, I still have that out. Can I return it?"

Yes, I think, but you probably should have returned this stuff in the one to two weeks that the library allows you to borrow it for. Or, failing that, you could have paid attention to the notice we mailed you telling you that you had overdue material, the SECOND notice we mailed you saying that you had VERY overdue material, and the THIRD notice we mailed you telling you that you have to either bring your crap back or pay full price for it so the library can replace it. What do you do, just throw away your mail? Come on! Don't you think you'd realise that you probably can't keep your library rentals for four months and that maybe we'd want our shit back?

Thank God for that filter, because I just said "Yes."

That's the only interesting thing that happened. I kind of wrote this entry as an homage to (cheap wripoff of) the "Behind the Counter" blog. (bbcamerican.blogspot.com)

Also, Harry Potter comes out in three days. One of the advantages of working at a library is that you get access to any book you want. (No shit, Sherlock.) Because it's a new title, you can't reserve it, so it pretty much goes to whoever gets it first. Of course, if you are at the library for several hours each day, four days a week, and the books that get returned go through you, then, the odds are stacked in your favor. Or, in this case, mine.

Everyone's making predictions. Well, here are mine.

1. Due to an insane plot twist, Dumbledore kills Snape.
2. Dobby kills Hermione.
3. Hagrid marries Madame Maxime and leaves Hogwarts to live a happy and carefree life among the giants. This leads J.K. Rowling to write the smash-hit spin-off "Harry Potter and the Adventures of Hagrid."
4. Uncle Vernon kills Luna Lovegood.
5. Peeves the Poltergeist plays a vital role to the storyline, just so J.K. Rowling can watch Warner Brothers squirm for writing him out of the movies.
6. Parvati Patil kills Cornelius Fudge.
7. Professor Sprout retires from her post as Herbology professor so that she can just grow plain old marijuana.
8. Professor Flitwick kills Buckbeak.
9. Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback eats Charlie Weasley. Mrs. Weasley, so distraught over the death of her son, throws away her life and becomes a cheap prostitute. She gets knocked up by Neville Longbottom.
10. The Sorting Hat kills Lucius Malfoy.
11. Fred and George give up the joke shop to perform magic for muggles, quickly becoming the most famous magicians in the world, but are soon killed by Penn and Teller, who had become deranged and vengeful after being pushed down to second-rate magicians.
12. Hedwig kills Viktor Krum.
13. Voldemort becomes the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher because he's the only qualified person left who hasn't been killed/brainwashed/a werewolf/locked in a trunk/driven nuts/killed Dumbledore.
14. The Golden Snitch kills Percy Weasley.
15. The new headmaster will be Gandalf.
16. Professor Trelawney kills Fluffy, the giant three-headed dog.
17. Mad-Eye Moody loses credibilty after it becomes apparent that he's just crosseyed.
18. Neville's toad, Trevor, kills Ron.
19. In a moment of irony, Professor Lupin dies of lupus after a brief cameo by Dr. House.
20. Dudley Dursley kills Cho Chang.
21. Cho Chang's deranged older brother, Cho Seung-Hui, breaks into Hogwarts and kills 30 students.
22. Crookshanks kills Wormtail.
23. The Death Eaters are sued by the KKK for copying their costumes.
24. Rita Skeeter kills Tonks.
25. Filch kills Madame Pomfrey.
26. Nearly-Headless Nick kills Professor McGonagall.
27. Kingsley Shacklebolt kills Ernie Prang, driver of the Knight Bus, but they are both such minor characters that no one notices or cares.
28. Rufus Scrimgeour kills Dolores Umbridge, and there was much rejoicing.
29. Seamus Finnigan kills Mundungus Fletcher.
30. Colin Creevey kills Grawp.
31. Because most of the students in the other houses have been killed or sent to Azkaban, Hufflepuff wins the Quidditch cup.
32. The Marauders Map kills Ginny.
33. The flying car from book two reappears and transforms into Optimus Prime. He is then taken apart and studied by Arthur Weasley.
34. Fleur Delacour kills Dean Thomas.
35. Crabbe kills Aunt Petunia.
36. Kreacher kills Oliver Wood.
37. Winky kills Draco Malfoy.
38. Goyle kills the lady on the Hogwarts Express who has the sweets trolley.
39. Professor Slughorn kills Bill Weasley.
40. Professor Grubbly-Plank kills Igor Karkaroff.
41. Nearly-Headless Nick kills Arthur Weasley.
42. Moaning Myrtle kills Bellatrix Lestrange.

I'm willing to bet that all of these predictions will come true.

'K thanks bye.