Hooray. I Didn't Die.

Sorry for not posting for a week. I just didn't feel like it after sitting through my last two days of driver's ed and then took an unexpected weekend trip to a cottage in the woods. Needless to say, no internet access.

And yesterday and Monday, I simply forgot that I had a blog.

And now I'm posting. I still don't get it. It's essentially talking to myself. Oh well. At least that one libertarian guy read it at least once.

I got Super Paper Mario. It's freakin' hilarious. I'd recommend it to anyone with a Wii.

I've decided to read a Bill O'Reilly book. I read an Al Franken a while ago, so I guess it's only fair.

The problem is that I can't find anyone at all with my political views. ANYONE. The closest is probably Bill Maher, but his books are more of a Carlinesque stand-up routine than meaningful political commentary (not that there's anything wrong with that).

So now, I decide to just read whatever and take the bits and pieces that make sense. The thing is, when I read the Al Franken book, a conservative kid in my CCD class (we'll call him Tony, because that's his real name) labeled me as a close-minded liberal. And now that I'm reading a Bill O'Reilly book, I just know that my liberal friends (JORDAN) are going to give me shit about being a hippie-hating Republican douchebag. Of course, as my history teacher pointed out to me, you can't be a Republican atheist, because none of the other Republicans will play with you.

By the way, if you don't know, CCD is the Catholic version of Sunday School.

Damn Catholics. It's such a dull religion. It could at least be more appealing to the masses, by offering cheap and nutritious food, swashbuckling, and an endless supply of beer and strippers. Fortunately, all of those desires are satiated by Pastafarianism.

I am officially Pastafarian now. I bought The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster at Barnes & Noble today and read through the whole thing. I would highly recommend it to EVERYONE. I haven't laughed like that at a book in so long. I nearly cried laughing when I saw the picture of the witch gleefully eating a calculator, and I did cry laughing when I read about the origin of penguins (read it yourself to find out).

So yeah. Praise Bob, Hail Xenu, RAmen, etc.

OHMIGOD SEGWAAAAAAAAAAY

I saw Live Free or Die Hard over the weekend. It was surprisingly good. As I left the theater, a bunch of thirteen year old wiggers were harassing a thirteen year old prostitute. This being Massachusetts, they were all white and probably raised in a cozy suburban town. They kept saying "nigga," so I looked for the black one. I couldn't find any black people anywhere in the parking lot. Maybe he was hiding.

Anyways, I laughed internally at these posers, because, lets be honest, that's what they are. "They're from the West Side of Burlington," as Lt. Hanafin put it. They are wannabes of something that I, personally, can not understand why anyone would want to be. "Yeah, let's shun ethics, education, and abiding by the law so that we can ignore the fact that we were raised in well-to-do households so we can pretend we were raised in ghettos by crack whores so that we can pettily and immaturely terrorize our neighborhood and commit crimes solely for the purpose of imitating a group of people who only turn to this law-breaking lifestyle because they see it as the only way out of the terrible conditions that we've never experienced in the whole of our hollow, poser lives!"

To which my reply is, "You're a surprisingly well-spoken poser. I have learned my lesson. In the future, I will judge white people by their eloquence and sarcasm, and not by there awkwardly faked accents and low-falling pants. Thank you, good sir."

Then I'd get "a cap in my ass," as the kids say. Oh well. When I die, I want it to be in a moment of fearless snark.

P.S. If you read, please leave a comment. Please?