Obscure Animal Of The Week #1: Lampreys

On now to the first of several Obscure Animals Of The Week.

Lampreys.

Lampreys are a primitive form of fish, which evolutionarily branched off a really fucking long time ago. They have no scales, and don't have fins where their arms should be like most fish do. Because of that, they have to wriggle around like an eel. They usually live in freshwater in their larval stage, go into the ocean as an adult, and return to freshwater to spawn and die. Lampreys can grow up to three and a half feet long. Holy fucking Jesus.

Lampreys spend most of their lives as larvae, which look sort of similar, but don't have eyes or the trademark lamprey mouth. They were once thought to be a different species, but eventually some very bored scientists decided to watch them and they realized that they turned into lampreys. They mostly just sit in the mud and eat tiny shit, like microorganisms and crap.

Adult lampreys are jawless, and instead they have a circular mouth with rows of really nasty looking teeth. They use their mouth to latch on to fish and leech off of them for a little while. When the fish dies, the lamprey bites off one last chunk and then swims off. They're nasty little fuckers. Fortunately, they don't attack humans. Then again, that's what they say about bears and sharks.

Lampreys are a delicacy in Europe. No surprise there, everything nasty is a delicacy in Europe. Snails, lampreys, fungus, fish eggs... If you take a dump in someone's mouth, it's a delicacy in Europe.

Fortunately, Americans don't eat lampreys. We tend to eat stuff that doesn't look like Satan's condom of choice. Unfortunately, they're fucking up our food supply. Lampreys in the Great Lakes and other large freshwater bodies often latch on to trout, bass, and other delicious freshwater fish. They usually kill them, and even if they don't, the fish are left with a big gaping hole on their side and they probably have some sort of infection. I personally wouldn't eat it. So, people are trying to kill off the lampreys that are killing our fish. And before any of you PETArds say that they're not our fish, well, they fucking are. Fish don't make humaning rods and humaning boats to catch and eat us. We are better than them, and all animals. We're the only ones allowed to kill and eat fish, okay, you fucking lampreys?

Fortunately, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service agrees with me, and has created lampricides, designed to kill all and only lampreys. Also, they have been catching lampreys and sterilizing them. Why they don't kill them instead of just neutering them is beyond me.

It's probably just Bob Barker out there, in a fishing boat, catching all those lampreys.

"Help control the lamprey population... Spay and neuter your lamprey today"